deja nu

everyday there is something new i uncover like a child turning over rocks in the backyard garden. amidst this i am still finding the remains of days past, remnants of each hour gone by. the beauty of life is the wonder and the mundane, the old-the new. its as if God is weaving new threads into worn tapestries... renewing each day even while some of yesterday finds it's place. -a random muse (picture by la)

best of...

i'm listening to foo fighters "best of you". the question in the chorus is "is someone getting the best of you?" and this question has begun to haunt me. who is getting the best of me? it's such a simple question, yet how potent the answer must be! first, what is the best of me? in my opinion, the best is all i am that is good. the best of me is my time, my talents, my love, my passion, my faith, my trust, my person. if i was to answer this question at this very second, i would answer that many people are getting the almost best of me and God is suffering. see, God is the one who should get the best of me and only the best belongs to Him by right. in all honesty, i have yet to even give all my best to Him. i long for the day when i am found devoting my all to Him. yet, the very reason i hold onto Him is because i know that i am imperfect in this very sense. all i cannot do, all i lack, my imperfection finds completion when i give Him my heart and soul. the day i give God the truely best of me is the day my soul longs for.

perspective redux

studying the eyes of those around me, i see so much. i see pain, sadness, disbelief, wonderment, disinterest in some; in other eyes i see joy, hope, love, sweetness and beauty. the stark or gentle glance of an eye will run the gamut of emotions, reflecting what is hidden in the heart. i may see someone smiling, yet if their eyes don't twinkle with the same happiness i am clued into the dischord between the truth and portrayal that lies inside. ask me how i'm doing and 90 percent of the time i'll say "good". nice little answer, right? look into my eyes. i may not be doing as well as "good " implies. am i actually looking at you? am i averting my gaze? is my lazy eye drifting? the clues are found in the little details you catch. details become everything when you are trying to develop perspective. perspective creates the opinons and views that you hold dear. and the opions and views you have, you will project in some fashion to the world at large. it's been said that the eyes are a window into the soul. how true is that saying?

subtle undertones

its strange how my past haunts me the way it does. my past is like eating reese's pb cups filled with fish hooks . ahhh... the warm smooth chocolaty memories on the outside and the crap that gets you in the middle. memories have a way of luring you into their pretty little trap by reminding you of wonderful time gone by, then they snag you when you find yourself wishing to be back there in those times. you then suddenly find yourself stuck in the past and losing sight of the present and the future. the sad thing is that, i, myself would so much love to return to the days of childhood, simplicity, living with with my parents etc. when i can never return to any of that. they (who is "they" anyway?) say that you only have one life to live and it is true. God has designed living to be forward moving and constantly developing even as i try to thwart living by returning to past memories and situations. i'm not saying much here in this post, but the one thing i want to get across to you is forget the past and look forward. it's easy enough to look back and see all that's behind--- scary to look forward and see absolutely nothing of what is ahead of you. i know this first hand and my solution is to let go of what worries me and put my faith in the knowledge that God can see what lies ahead for me.

yes

yes... those last two pictures are of yours truly...

it was all yellow 

half second thought

today i discovered that honesty is the best policy. really... it is. you can take my word on it.

silent brilliance

the clouds tonight were as lightning bugs trapped in bedsheets. sparks of monstrous power spun through gray masses of moisture and like strobe lights lit distant roofs and tree branches leaving etched black shadows in their absence. to the west i could see the storm hovering miles away and to the east, behind me, lay a clear sky covered in blinking stars. i was struck at the disparity of the sight. how in one direction sheer hell could break loose and in the other a beautiful calm could be found. with the lightning so far from me, i couldn't hear the percussive claps of thunder; yet from it's incredible display i understood it's power. a beautiful night...

apologetic exerpt

i mourn the loss of conscience in today's modern world. there is nary a person found now who, if disturbed by guilt, will own up to being wrong I.E. when someone says something hurtful then tries to laugh it off or refuses to acknowledge what was said made impact.{ i am sometimes that person- so i am not being self-righteous here.} for me, though, if i do utter something hurtful 9 times from 10 i will recognize the inner spark of guilt and conscience; and ask forgiveness. what if we were to all do this 10 times out of 10? could doing this affect and effect the world around us? what if we would take responsibilty for our every action rather than sueing and blaming others for our mistakes? what if we were to apologize even if it fatally wounds our pride? i know i would love to keep my pride intact if i had the choice and the choice i do have! every day i fight to make the choice to own up to my mistakes... to ask God and man for forgiveness when i err.

a whisper of light

one moment free from the past and in the next haunted by it all over again ...and this is how i feel. tonight is all too familiar to me, the night alone, waiting by the phone for a call back from a message left hours ago to an old friend who is most likely doing -something- which is more than i am doing right now. there is this empty feeling inside and truth be told, i should be above this. yet weakness still remains inside of me. once again i have done everything my way today... finding myself licking these self inflicted wounds and wondering what happened. pity is a dangerous dancing partner as tonight the music's playing and i'm like john travolta under the disco lights: ready to dance the night away. selfishness, pity, remorse, delicate memories and emptiness all tempt me in their seductive ways. i linger, listening to the confusing voices of my heart, mind and nature all yelling at the same time. if i could only, for even one second, just hear the whisper of God's gentle voice calling to me... everyone tells me it will be alright in the end and deep down somewhere i know that to be true. i still doubt it, though. heaven sounds too perfect and this world feels too real. must i remind myself that Jesus while altogether perfect lived in this reality too? the bible says that we have a "high priest who sympathizes with us" and how true . He understands all the struggles and demons i fight; all the wounds i find myself with and He is whispering His encouragement to me, even tonight when i want to toss my towel and give up this profession called life. in every moment of doubt, pity or selfishness i seek out His whisper of light. one glimmer of hope is easy to see in a sea of darkness...

warming air

summer is running on my heels. already i am immersed in the nineties of a shadeless mid afternoon. i love the feeling of summer's freedom, but not the stifling heat. beaches wait for crowds by the thousand, and i wait for early morning- before anyone is up. the time of day when the air is cool, the newborn sun is warm and the breeze dances without purpose. when it is me, an deep blue seascape and a seagull who are the only ones around. winter has departed and spring has sown it's seeds... summer running on my heels has tripped me and i fall down laughing.

second, if first

every time i am confronted by a question that requires a yes or no of me, i tend to create a maybe answer as backup in case the yes or no doesn't go over well. it's my little way of trying to be right even if i'm not. sometimes it works. othertimes it can be seen right through. i know i should be perfectly honest and say yes or no, but i fear becoming stuck inside of that answer. i create a reply that could go either way so the backdoor is open- i can run out it if the need be. this is inheirently a terrible thing. it keeps me from knowing exactly where i stand and it is an entirely dishonest way to represent myself to those around me. i challenge you to do what i am only now doing- lettting my yes be yes and my no be no. i am still caught by the urge to have that maybe answer on the tip of my tongue and it still slips into waiting ears. but, i want to, i need to be decisive and know where i stand with God, myself and those around me, so i am striving to make my yes mean simply yes and my no just plain no. when that day comes, i will be free of my complacency.

girl, thinking of a

i have a girl on my mind and she will never fade from my memory. we went through alot together even though we lived miles apart. the intimacy of the friendship was stunning and unexplainable... she was one of the closest friends i have ever had. i haven't talked to her in awhile and that is a story that i will not tell, yet, needless to say i have learned and grown through knowing her. i made mistakes, yes... and i live with them; she was perfect in her imperfection and i imperfect alltogether. i keep the memories of her and her life in my mind and i watch as the world becomes her stage.

lost: one half of a year

if found, please return to those who need it back! wow. where has 2005 gone? it seems like just yesterday i was reveling in the brilliance of the dawn of a new 12 months and now i find myself befuddled and quite unamused that there are only 6 months left! i had so much to do and alot of time to do it and now there is still so much left and so little time to do it in... yes, yes, i whine like a infant, i know. still, i need answers! i am very much mortal and human, aren't i? looking at the past and moaning about all that went wrong. worried of the future and procrastinating in the present. yes, this is me and i know it. it is truely time for a renewed mindset and a battle plan of sorts. i must regroup, organize and go on the offensive! but first i will go make myself an ice cream sundae before i go to bed...

event. 5.

FBI, ATF address domestic terrorismOfficials: Extremists pose serious threat05/18/05 10:24 PM, EDTViolent animal rights extremists and eco-terrorists now pose one of the most serious terrorism threats to the nation, top federal law enforcement officials said Wednesday ---i just can't stop laughing at the irony of this =) wow. what a headline... "animal rights activist kills 14 in defense of an endangered white stork" what now? will they profile all the long haired hippie looking possibly tree hugging passengers along with all the middle eastern possibly afghani looking passengers? would they consider hemp a weapon of mass destruction? what about the animals? would we see birds and mongeese being pushed through metal detectors if the fish and game thought they might be siding with the animal rights people? etc...

i, hiker

the mountains above me look so tempting... their sundrenched heights and crystalline edges, their thick blankets of green and birds that dwell in their updrafts. i stare from the cold muted gray of the valleys inbetween. it seems just yesterday i was standing on hills around and now i find me here in the lowlands i know all too well. the mountain ahead of me is still miles from me and i'm hiking towards it as i fight the temptation to collapse and give up. i've been walking this terrain for years now. one moment rejoicing in my conquest of a peak and drinking in the view and the next stumbling down into the shadowed trenches. in all this it is very easy to feel alone and without direction. but i know i am far from alone. why? because no matter where i find myself on this journey, God's still small voice is my compass. He guides me from valley to mountain and from mountain to valley. it may not seem like the best route or it may seem like i'm going the wrong direction- yet a good hiker learns to trust his compass and follow it. and so i listen and follow, for God knows where i must go and He sees the end of my journey and will willingly show me where it is... as long as i listen.

sleep insomniac, sleep

it's 2:40 in the am of yesterday's tomorrow, er, today. i'm as awake if not more than i was at 9am yesterday morning. listening to itunes mixes,thinking about the stuff i'll do in a few hours. i don't have to go to work and i could use the sleep, but,what good is wasting the hours away with my eyes closed? when you are an independent, improvisational single guy with a computer you sometimes will find yourself typing your thoughts out at 2:40 in the morning; as i am right now. having my own blog and being able to broadcast my thoughts to at least one =) reader is cool if not downright sweet. am i still on the sugar high from those 2 cherry cokes i downed? wow. it sure doesn't take much now, does it? but, lo, i my bed calls to me. and my pillow does whisper enticingly. i must and will respond now. i loathe the hours i have lost. in vain! in vain! the clock does not wait for me, it does not wait. run on time! run on! oh, that i had but one second to be at peace...

moon muse

i was watching apollo 13 (a favourite movie of mine) and there is this scene where jim lovell (played by tom hanks) is dreaming of walking on the moon that is so close but so far away. he sees him self jumping from the lunar extraction module (lem) and running his hands through the white powder of the moon's surface. then in his dream he sees himself look up and out and the earth hovers distantly slightly obscured in shadow and as he stares at it's quietly beautiful image- i'm wondering what is running through his mind. to be so far from home, standing on another object spinning in space and to see a panoramic view of the world before you... the purples blues and greens underneath whisps of white- i would just stare in awe of the sight. looking at the earth from afar... seeing it against the abyss of space. the wonders that God hath wrought. He stretched out the heavens. He calls each star by name. each star that blinks from its million miles away. to see from His perspective, like standing on the moon.

colour

it's a comfort in an almost selfish way to know that not everyone is just like you. every day it grows even more comforting to know just that- that you and i are unique. how drab would life be if i related to you the exact same way you related to me? very drab. i'm guilty of "people watching", you know, sitting in a park or walking through the city, watching how different people act, look, talk etc. it's quite fun actually! why? cos it helps me to enjoy what's around me. if we were all the same it would be like staring at a gray wall. a gray wall holds no interest as it will always be the same tone and look no matter where you look. but since we are not all the same, we find ourselves part of a jackson pollack-esque wall: colour everywhere! no, i speak not of diversity or skin shade but of the soul and the heart. each heart feels each emotion differently. each soul cries out for the living God in it's own way. this is where the colour lies...

scenery

it's so easy to drift into daydreams when engaged in conversation. easy to feign interest and act as if you are listening. yet, as a good friend pointed out- to do so is pure folly. to engage someone in meaningful conversation takes time, effort, a willingness to see their side of the world and an understanding that you may not always be right or need to say something. it's like watching a bird fly into a sunset. sure, the scene is a beautiful one but do you gain anything by just watching? not really... if you were to observe and study what you saw, your enjoyment of the sunset would be so much more. you'd find out that the colours you see are the sun's rays refracting off of water molecules in the sky and that the bird you see flying is a mocking bird who has the ability to replicate 100 different bird calls. so it is with conversing. you may nod and blink, but if you aren't listening, if you barely hint at understanding, you will miss out on details and things that will build your enjoyment of whoever you are talking with.

my favourite url

this is the url i visit alot. take time to go to it and read what it says. it's psalms23_oldtestament_bible. it's my favourite!

dreamt of falling

it's the gravity of my situation. i'm so far from where i need to be and i'm running uphill- getting nowhere. it's another test of my faith, my heart and my soul. and i'm afraid i'm in contension for failing. it's times like these where you learn to keep expectations from growing too big and a happy smile on your face when inside you feel like screaming until you can't breathe. it's times like these when you look for God and He quietly hides, letting you count to ten and frantically search for Him before He emerges and finds you. it's times like these that i find myself doing what i don't want to do and wondering what's wrong with me. it's time like these that hit me with surprising regularity. and it's times like these where i thank God for times like these, for the oppourtunity to let His strength be perfected in my weakness. to find myself lost then found by His mercy- i feel the shift of gravity from my situtation to His love.

event. 4.

Your identity...for saleFrom credit bureaus to grocers to unscrupulous brokers, there's a healthy trade in your good name.05/09/05 15:12 PM, EDTNEW YORK (CNN/Money) - In the past four weeks alone, there have been reports of massive security breaches of over 2 million people's sensitive personal information ---cool, to save the hackers time here is my social security # 555 55 555 and my debit card # 55555 55 555555 555 and my credit card # 55555 555555 55 555. i live at 55 id ln, cheese, ws. my home phone is 555 555 5555. wouldn't want to put them out of a job; after all, they're having a hard enough time just trying to earn a living...

thank

to k, l, t, and r- thanks for being like family to me. it means everything to me to have friends like you who care for a crazy guy like me. to the lady who thought we were all related- maybe we are! (just kidding!) ya'll rock now, ya hear? i look forward to what God has for you guys...

one sunday afternoon

mother's day... i called mom and told her how much i missed her and sent her a gift. i owe her so much more- she homeschooled me for 18 years, fed me, washed my clothes, read the bible to me, gave me her love, all of her time and too much to list. how does one pay back all of that? i really dont think there is a way. all i know is that i will forever remember all the things she taught me and treasure them as i would gold or life. there is a picture of her that only my heart can see and i look at it and thank God for a mother like her. because of her, i am who i am. i love you mom!

elemental raw

standing on the edge of hiding, looking out into acknowledging, i am almost to where i want to be. they say that the first step to recovering is admitting and the words are balancing on the tip of my tongue. to be free is to have no shadows cast by my definition as i walk through life. nothing is everything when you aren't attached to cares and possesions. and this is where i hope to be one day. but for today i'll just be staring out the window of this place called comfort. someday... someday... i will walk out the door and never look back.

close kin

talking to my brother today... giving brotherly advice about girls and stuff. even though we live 1000 miles apart, our relationship grows stronger. being males and sharing a room were 2 important factors in our younger years. i owned the room and had the top bunk so naturally he fought back in sublime ways. interrupting phone conversations, kicking the bed, trying to be cool like my friends and myself. the competition ,while below radar, was still evident in the way we interacted. i was always trying to force my opinion down his throat 'cus i didnt want him to make the same mistakes i made, etc. then when i moved away, i began to see things in a different light. i realized that his closeness and his brothership were a very important part of my life, despite all the fights and crazy stuff, he was the brother God knew i needed. i will never take him for granted. each time we talk on the phone, i remind myself that he is my brother and even if we are now miles apart, there will always be a top bunk waiting for me.

evidence of things not seen

i may not see the One i believe and that is all right. why? because traces of Him linger all around me. i watch a fiery sun melt into a deep purple night sky and heaven can almost be seen. a cool breeze floats over me on a summer's day and His breath lingers for a second. i hear the song of a meadowlark and His voice hides behind the notes. i smell the sweetness of a rose and His fragrance sweeps by. i taste the salt air of the ocean's mist and His overtones leave me longing for more.

substance of things hoped for

the question comes up every so often- "why do i believe in God?". my detractors argue that my faith based belief is silly and child-like. my God says that my salvation is foolishness to those who are perishing and i must have faith like a child to enter His rest. my detractors tell me that Jesus was just a man in history. i say He is the Son of God who takes away the sin of the world. but why do i believe? the question still lingers like breath in tundra air. is it because of the Bible? maybe. is it because of what my parents told me? maybe. is it because of what my pastor tells me? maybe. all i know is that when i'm alone and my heart is broken from the millions of events of the day and i lift my eyes to the heaven i cannot see and whisper my tears to Him, i hear Him whisper back to my soul. and in that moment my detractors have no argument for i am communing with my Father in heaven and i find myself beyond belief. beyond my mind and my thoughts. beyond who i am and into His beauty.

event. 3.

House, Senate agree on $82 billion war spending bill05/03/05 07:11 PM, EDTHouse and Senate conferees have agreed to an $82 billion supplemental spending bill for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. ---well, what do you know? maybe the dems do fall prey to peer pressure...

lost unknowns

today, i was on lunch break at work and decided to wander off and take a walk. normally, you will never find me doing this but today was different; as i felt the urge to explore and free my mind from the drab gray of work. the way i usually walk has a little pond by the road and it's a nice little view. today, i walked the opposite direction and discovered a huge pond teeming with life and birds. it made me realize just how narrow minded i could be. for 5 months i had enjoyed the cute little pond right next to the road and thought the world of it. i never thought there might have been a place better- until today- when i broke out of my routine and ventured beyond my comfort. what i found was something 3 times as big and 100 times more beautiful. i may never know what i lose until i find it.

ode to my placebo

caffeine is a lie... i drink it to stay awake and when i hit hang-over stage, i am more tired than if i just had a cup of grapefruit juice and called it a day. still i drink it. starbucks is my dealer down the street... i bring home a half pound of good stuff every few weeks. this is my ode, for i join caffeine drinkers anonomyous next week.

event. 2.

Rice assures allies their security will be guarded 05/02/05 06:02 PM, EDTTalking tough, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice informed North Korea on Monday the United States is able to defend itself and its allies against nuclear and missile threats. ---either this is a scared, defensive statement or north korea forgot the 50's and the dmz... silly north korea, nukes are for superpowers!

social lite

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event.

Card: Dems should work with us05/02/05 08:12 AM, EDTPresident Bush's chief of staff appealed on Sunday for congressional Democrats to work with the administration and Republicans rather than complain and stall action on Capitol Hill. ----oh, to dream perfect dreams...

cold benefits

i sat at my desk today, waiting for the phone to ring or mr. kool aid to jump through the wall. it was a beach day- 82 with a light breeze and i was inside getting tanned by the halogen haze of ballast lights. i dont dislike work, i just never agreed with it. there is something about wasting 8 hours away doing something i am told is productive to earn a couple hundred legal tender notes to pay for what i am told are essentials for life- microwave food and rent. i am not complaining! believe you me i do rather enjoy food and a roof but i feel trapped in some unidentifiable viscious circle that is threatening to consume me. but on the bright side- the air conditioning was nice and cool today- i never sweated a bead... work is ok.

file.duh

i hate computers. i say this as i write on a computer. oh, the irony. i hate dealing with files to be exact. i do alot of computer music production and it drives me mad when i have to deal with the various files associated with music. -i.e.- to upload music to my electronic press kit i make a song in acid pro 4. the song is saved as a .acd file. i found another sample i want to add to the song- but! that sample is not the .wav file i need but a .zip file. grabbing an iced tea, i settle down to try to convert from the zip file to a wav file using winzip. once converted, i finish the song. to audition the song, i burn a .wav copy playable on my cd player. now i want to upload the song to acidplanet.com... the program converts my song to some unknown file format while i wait and twiddle my thumbs wondering if a bag of popcorn might be in order. ok, the song is now on the site. my press kit awaits! oh, it'll only take mp3 files... back in to the program and i run a conversion to mp3 format and eat that bag of popcorn. what if there was only one file format involved in this process? i would have an extra 1/2 hour on my hands. i have cried my river, built my bridge and now i will cross it. i'll be okay. my pitty little complaints...

subtle encounters

taking a walk on the beach... simple yet, in a way, wonderful. it's the pick up line for personals and a proverbial scene for the proverbial movie. still, for me, a walk on the beach is like finding a drop of water in a sweltering desert- beautiful. it's the one time i can clear my head and stare into forever and talk to God. from the patterns in broken shells to the wandering flight of seagulls, the ocean and its walls of sand offer me a shelter from the noise of cars and the block shapes of houses. every time i stand on a morning shoreline and gaze at the warming sun. i am at odds with my millions of thoughts. my head clears. my eyes take in the expanse. my ears the rushing of wind and wave. my heart sings.

who i were

day after day i wake up. is this natural? day after day i fight sleep and take a shower. is it worth it? day after day i get dressed and make for my job. is this what i should be doing? month after month i pay rent and electrical. is it alot of money? year after year i fade older. is this stoppable? the human mind while easily manipulated and controlled by a seeming endless number of variables, influences and factors still has the guts to question everything it enables the human being to do. just once is it possible to answer one of it's questions and possibly break free from the monotony of the everyday? if you believe so, this blog is for you. -voxpre