a whisper of light

one moment free from the past and in the next haunted by it all over again ...and this is how i feel. tonight is all too familiar to me, the night alone, waiting by the phone for a call back from a message left hours ago to an old friend who is most likely doing -something- which is more than i am doing right now. there is this empty feeling inside and truth be told, i should be above this. yet weakness still remains inside of me. once again i have done everything my way today... finding myself licking these self inflicted wounds and wondering what happened. pity is a dangerous dancing partner as tonight the music's playing and i'm like john travolta under the disco lights: ready to dance the night away. selfishness, pity, remorse, delicate memories and emptiness all tempt me in their seductive ways. i linger, listening to the confusing voices of my heart, mind and nature all yelling at the same time. if i could only, for even one second, just hear the whisper of God's gentle voice calling to me... everyone tells me it will be alright in the end and deep down somewhere i know that to be true. i still doubt it, though. heaven sounds too perfect and this world feels too real. must i remind myself that Jesus while altogether perfect lived in this reality too? the bible says that we have a "high priest who sympathizes with us" and how true . He understands all the struggles and demons i fight; all the wounds i find myself with and He is whispering His encouragement to me, even tonight when i want to toss my towel and give up this profession called life. in every moment of doubt, pity or selfishness i seek out His whisper of light. one glimmer of hope is easy to see in a sea of darkness...