warming air

summer is running on my heels. already i am immersed in the nineties of a shadeless mid afternoon. i love the feeling of summer's freedom, but not the stifling heat. beaches wait for crowds by the thousand, and i wait for early morning- before anyone is up. the time of day when the air is cool, the newborn sun is warm and the breeze dances without purpose. when it is me, an deep blue seascape and a seagull who are the only ones around. winter has departed and spring has sown it's seeds... summer running on my heels has tripped me and i fall down laughing.

second, if first

every time i am confronted by a question that requires a yes or no of me, i tend to create a maybe answer as backup in case the yes or no doesn't go over well. it's my little way of trying to be right even if i'm not. sometimes it works. othertimes it can be seen right through. i know i should be perfectly honest and say yes or no, but i fear becoming stuck inside of that answer. i create a reply that could go either way so the backdoor is open- i can run out it if the need be. this is inheirently a terrible thing. it keeps me from knowing exactly where i stand and it is an entirely dishonest way to represent myself to those around me. i challenge you to do what i am only now doing- lettting my yes be yes and my no be no. i am still caught by the urge to have that maybe answer on the tip of my tongue and it still slips into waiting ears. but, i want to, i need to be decisive and know where i stand with God, myself and those around me, so i am striving to make my yes mean simply yes and my no just plain no. when that day comes, i will be free of my complacency.

girl, thinking of a

i have a girl on my mind and she will never fade from my memory. we went through alot together even though we lived miles apart. the intimacy of the friendship was stunning and unexplainable... she was one of the closest friends i have ever had. i haven't talked to her in awhile and that is a story that i will not tell, yet, needless to say i have learned and grown through knowing her. i made mistakes, yes... and i live with them; she was perfect in her imperfection and i imperfect alltogether. i keep the memories of her and her life in my mind and i watch as the world becomes her stage.

lost: one half of a year

if found, please return to those who need it back! wow. where has 2005 gone? it seems like just yesterday i was reveling in the brilliance of the dawn of a new 12 months and now i find myself befuddled and quite unamused that there are only 6 months left! i had so much to do and alot of time to do it and now there is still so much left and so little time to do it in... yes, yes, i whine like a infant, i know. still, i need answers! i am very much mortal and human, aren't i? looking at the past and moaning about all that went wrong. worried of the future and procrastinating in the present. yes, this is me and i know it. it is truely time for a renewed mindset and a battle plan of sorts. i must regroup, organize and go on the offensive! but first i will go make myself an ice cream sundae before i go to bed...

event. 5.

FBI, ATF address domestic terrorismOfficials: Extremists pose serious threat05/18/05 10:24 PM, EDTViolent animal rights extremists and eco-terrorists now pose one of the most serious terrorism threats to the nation, top federal law enforcement officials said Wednesday ---i just can't stop laughing at the irony of this =) wow. what a headline... "animal rights activist kills 14 in defense of an endangered white stork" what now? will they profile all the long haired hippie looking possibly tree hugging passengers along with all the middle eastern possibly afghani looking passengers? would they consider hemp a weapon of mass destruction? what about the animals? would we see birds and mongeese being pushed through metal detectors if the fish and game thought they might be siding with the animal rights people? etc...

i, hiker

the mountains above me look so tempting... their sundrenched heights and crystalline edges, their thick blankets of green and birds that dwell in their updrafts. i stare from the cold muted gray of the valleys inbetween. it seems just yesterday i was standing on hills around and now i find me here in the lowlands i know all too well. the mountain ahead of me is still miles from me and i'm hiking towards it as i fight the temptation to collapse and give up. i've been walking this terrain for years now. one moment rejoicing in my conquest of a peak and drinking in the view and the next stumbling down into the shadowed trenches. in all this it is very easy to feel alone and without direction. but i know i am far from alone. why? because no matter where i find myself on this journey, God's still small voice is my compass. He guides me from valley to mountain and from mountain to valley. it may not seem like the best route or it may seem like i'm going the wrong direction- yet a good hiker learns to trust his compass and follow it. and so i listen and follow, for God knows where i must go and He sees the end of my journey and will willingly show me where it is... as long as i listen.

sleep insomniac, sleep

it's 2:40 in the am of yesterday's tomorrow, er, today. i'm as awake if not more than i was at 9am yesterday morning. listening to itunes mixes,thinking about the stuff i'll do in a few hours. i don't have to go to work and i could use the sleep, but,what good is wasting the hours away with my eyes closed? when you are an independent, improvisational single guy with a computer you sometimes will find yourself typing your thoughts out at 2:40 in the morning; as i am right now. having my own blog and being able to broadcast my thoughts to at least one =) reader is cool if not downright sweet. am i still on the sugar high from those 2 cherry cokes i downed? wow. it sure doesn't take much now, does it? but, lo, i my bed calls to me. and my pillow does whisper enticingly. i must and will respond now. i loathe the hours i have lost. in vain! in vain! the clock does not wait for me, it does not wait. run on time! run on! oh, that i had but one second to be at peace...

moon muse

i was watching apollo 13 (a favourite movie of mine) and there is this scene where jim lovell (played by tom hanks) is dreaming of walking on the moon that is so close but so far away. he sees him self jumping from the lunar extraction module (lem) and running his hands through the white powder of the moon's surface. then in his dream he sees himself look up and out and the earth hovers distantly slightly obscured in shadow and as he stares at it's quietly beautiful image- i'm wondering what is running through his mind. to be so far from home, standing on another object spinning in space and to see a panoramic view of the world before you... the purples blues and greens underneath whisps of white- i would just stare in awe of the sight. looking at the earth from afar... seeing it against the abyss of space. the wonders that God hath wrought. He stretched out the heavens. He calls each star by name. each star that blinks from its million miles away. to see from His perspective, like standing on the moon.

colour

it's a comfort in an almost selfish way to know that not everyone is just like you. every day it grows even more comforting to know just that- that you and i are unique. how drab would life be if i related to you the exact same way you related to me? very drab. i'm guilty of "people watching", you know, sitting in a park or walking through the city, watching how different people act, look, talk etc. it's quite fun actually! why? cos it helps me to enjoy what's around me. if we were all the same it would be like staring at a gray wall. a gray wall holds no interest as it will always be the same tone and look no matter where you look. but since we are not all the same, we find ourselves part of a jackson pollack-esque wall: colour everywhere! no, i speak not of diversity or skin shade but of the soul and the heart. each heart feels each emotion differently. each soul cries out for the living God in it's own way. this is where the colour lies...

scenery

it's so easy to drift into daydreams when engaged in conversation. easy to feign interest and act as if you are listening. yet, as a good friend pointed out- to do so is pure folly. to engage someone in meaningful conversation takes time, effort, a willingness to see their side of the world and an understanding that you may not always be right or need to say something. it's like watching a bird fly into a sunset. sure, the scene is a beautiful one but do you gain anything by just watching? not really... if you were to observe and study what you saw, your enjoyment of the sunset would be so much more. you'd find out that the colours you see are the sun's rays refracting off of water molecules in the sky and that the bird you see flying is a mocking bird who has the ability to replicate 100 different bird calls. so it is with conversing. you may nod and blink, but if you aren't listening, if you barely hint at understanding, you will miss out on details and things that will build your enjoyment of whoever you are talking with.

my favourite url

this is the url i visit alot. take time to go to it and read what it says. it's psalms23_oldtestament_bible. it's my favourite!

dreamt of falling

it's the gravity of my situation. i'm so far from where i need to be and i'm running uphill- getting nowhere. it's another test of my faith, my heart and my soul. and i'm afraid i'm in contension for failing. it's times like these where you learn to keep expectations from growing too big and a happy smile on your face when inside you feel like screaming until you can't breathe. it's times like these when you look for God and He quietly hides, letting you count to ten and frantically search for Him before He emerges and finds you. it's times like these that i find myself doing what i don't want to do and wondering what's wrong with me. it's time like these that hit me with surprising regularity. and it's times like these where i thank God for times like these, for the oppourtunity to let His strength be perfected in my weakness. to find myself lost then found by His mercy- i feel the shift of gravity from my situtation to His love.

event. 4.

Your identity...for saleFrom credit bureaus to grocers to unscrupulous brokers, there's a healthy trade in your good name.05/09/05 15:12 PM, EDTNEW YORK (CNN/Money) - In the past four weeks alone, there have been reports of massive security breaches of over 2 million people's sensitive personal information ---cool, to save the hackers time here is my social security # 555 55 555 and my debit card # 55555 55 555555 555 and my credit card # 55555 555555 55 555. i live at 55 id ln, cheese, ws. my home phone is 555 555 5555. wouldn't want to put them out of a job; after all, they're having a hard enough time just trying to earn a living...

thank

to k, l, t, and r- thanks for being like family to me. it means everything to me to have friends like you who care for a crazy guy like me. to the lady who thought we were all related- maybe we are! (just kidding!) ya'll rock now, ya hear? i look forward to what God has for you guys...

one sunday afternoon

mother's day... i called mom and told her how much i missed her and sent her a gift. i owe her so much more- she homeschooled me for 18 years, fed me, washed my clothes, read the bible to me, gave me her love, all of her time and too much to list. how does one pay back all of that? i really dont think there is a way. all i know is that i will forever remember all the things she taught me and treasure them as i would gold or life. there is a picture of her that only my heart can see and i look at it and thank God for a mother like her. because of her, i am who i am. i love you mom!

elemental raw

standing on the edge of hiding, looking out into acknowledging, i am almost to where i want to be. they say that the first step to recovering is admitting and the words are balancing on the tip of my tongue. to be free is to have no shadows cast by my definition as i walk through life. nothing is everything when you aren't attached to cares and possesions. and this is where i hope to be one day. but for today i'll just be staring out the window of this place called comfort. someday... someday... i will walk out the door and never look back.

close kin

talking to my brother today... giving brotherly advice about girls and stuff. even though we live 1000 miles apart, our relationship grows stronger. being males and sharing a room were 2 important factors in our younger years. i owned the room and had the top bunk so naturally he fought back in sublime ways. interrupting phone conversations, kicking the bed, trying to be cool like my friends and myself. the competition ,while below radar, was still evident in the way we interacted. i was always trying to force my opinion down his throat 'cus i didnt want him to make the same mistakes i made, etc. then when i moved away, i began to see things in a different light. i realized that his closeness and his brothership were a very important part of my life, despite all the fights and crazy stuff, he was the brother God knew i needed. i will never take him for granted. each time we talk on the phone, i remind myself that he is my brother and even if we are now miles apart, there will always be a top bunk waiting for me.

evidence of things not seen

i may not see the One i believe and that is all right. why? because traces of Him linger all around me. i watch a fiery sun melt into a deep purple night sky and heaven can almost be seen. a cool breeze floats over me on a summer's day and His breath lingers for a second. i hear the song of a meadowlark and His voice hides behind the notes. i smell the sweetness of a rose and His fragrance sweeps by. i taste the salt air of the ocean's mist and His overtones leave me longing for more.

substance of things hoped for

the question comes up every so often- "why do i believe in God?". my detractors argue that my faith based belief is silly and child-like. my God says that my salvation is foolishness to those who are perishing and i must have faith like a child to enter His rest. my detractors tell me that Jesus was just a man in history. i say He is the Son of God who takes away the sin of the world. but why do i believe? the question still lingers like breath in tundra air. is it because of the Bible? maybe. is it because of what my parents told me? maybe. is it because of what my pastor tells me? maybe. all i know is that when i'm alone and my heart is broken from the millions of events of the day and i lift my eyes to the heaven i cannot see and whisper my tears to Him, i hear Him whisper back to my soul. and in that moment my detractors have no argument for i am communing with my Father in heaven and i find myself beyond belief. beyond my mind and my thoughts. beyond who i am and into His beauty.

event. 3.

House, Senate agree on $82 billion war spending bill05/03/05 07:11 PM, EDTHouse and Senate conferees have agreed to an $82 billion supplemental spending bill for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. ---well, what do you know? maybe the dems do fall prey to peer pressure...

lost unknowns

today, i was on lunch break at work and decided to wander off and take a walk. normally, you will never find me doing this but today was different; as i felt the urge to explore and free my mind from the drab gray of work. the way i usually walk has a little pond by the road and it's a nice little view. today, i walked the opposite direction and discovered a huge pond teeming with life and birds. it made me realize just how narrow minded i could be. for 5 months i had enjoyed the cute little pond right next to the road and thought the world of it. i never thought there might have been a place better- until today- when i broke out of my routine and ventured beyond my comfort. what i found was something 3 times as big and 100 times more beautiful. i may never know what i lose until i find it.

ode to my placebo

caffeine is a lie... i drink it to stay awake and when i hit hang-over stage, i am more tired than if i just had a cup of grapefruit juice and called it a day. still i drink it. starbucks is my dealer down the street... i bring home a half pound of good stuff every few weeks. this is my ode, for i join caffeine drinkers anonomyous next week.

event. 2.

Rice assures allies their security will be guarded 05/02/05 06:02 PM, EDTTalking tough, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice informed North Korea on Monday the United States is able to defend itself and its allies against nuclear and missile threats. ---either this is a scared, defensive statement or north korea forgot the 50's and the dmz... silly north korea, nukes are for superpowers!

social lite

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event.

Card: Dems should work with us05/02/05 08:12 AM, EDTPresident Bush's chief of staff appealed on Sunday for congressional Democrats to work with the administration and Republicans rather than complain and stall action on Capitol Hill. ----oh, to dream perfect dreams...

cold benefits

i sat at my desk today, waiting for the phone to ring or mr. kool aid to jump through the wall. it was a beach day- 82 with a light breeze and i was inside getting tanned by the halogen haze of ballast lights. i dont dislike work, i just never agreed with it. there is something about wasting 8 hours away doing something i am told is productive to earn a couple hundred legal tender notes to pay for what i am told are essentials for life- microwave food and rent. i am not complaining! believe you me i do rather enjoy food and a roof but i feel trapped in some unidentifiable viscious circle that is threatening to consume me. but on the bright side- the air conditioning was nice and cool today- i never sweated a bead... work is ok.

file.duh

i hate computers. i say this as i write on a computer. oh, the irony. i hate dealing with files to be exact. i do alot of computer music production and it drives me mad when i have to deal with the various files associated with music. -i.e.- to upload music to my electronic press kit i make a song in acid pro 4. the song is saved as a .acd file. i found another sample i want to add to the song- but! that sample is not the .wav file i need but a .zip file. grabbing an iced tea, i settle down to try to convert from the zip file to a wav file using winzip. once converted, i finish the song. to audition the song, i burn a .wav copy playable on my cd player. now i want to upload the song to acidplanet.com... the program converts my song to some unknown file format while i wait and twiddle my thumbs wondering if a bag of popcorn might be in order. ok, the song is now on the site. my press kit awaits! oh, it'll only take mp3 files... back in to the program and i run a conversion to mp3 format and eat that bag of popcorn. what if there was only one file format involved in this process? i would have an extra 1/2 hour on my hands. i have cried my river, built my bridge and now i will cross it. i'll be okay. my pitty little complaints...

subtle encounters

taking a walk on the beach... simple yet, in a way, wonderful. it's the pick up line for personals and a proverbial scene for the proverbial movie. still, for me, a walk on the beach is like finding a drop of water in a sweltering desert- beautiful. it's the one time i can clear my head and stare into forever and talk to God. from the patterns in broken shells to the wandering flight of seagulls, the ocean and its walls of sand offer me a shelter from the noise of cars and the block shapes of houses. every time i stand on a morning shoreline and gaze at the warming sun. i am at odds with my millions of thoughts. my head clears. my eyes take in the expanse. my ears the rushing of wind and wave. my heart sings.

who i were

day after day i wake up. is this natural? day after day i fight sleep and take a shower. is it worth it? day after day i get dressed and make for my job. is this what i should be doing? month after month i pay rent and electrical. is it alot of money? year after year i fade older. is this stoppable? the human mind while easily manipulated and controlled by a seeming endless number of variables, influences and factors still has the guts to question everything it enables the human being to do. just once is it possible to answer one of it's questions and possibly break free from the monotony of the everyday? if you believe so, this blog is for you. -voxpre