perspective redux

studying the eyes of those around me, i see so much. i see pain, sadness, disbelief, wonderment, disinterest in some; in other eyes i see joy, hope, love, sweetness and beauty. the stark or gentle glance of an eye will run the gamut of emotions, reflecting what is hidden in the heart. i may see someone smiling, yet if their eyes don't twinkle with the same happiness i am clued into the dischord between the truth and portrayal that lies inside. ask me how i'm doing and 90 percent of the time i'll say "good". nice little answer, right? look into my eyes. i may not be doing as well as "good " implies. am i actually looking at you? am i averting my gaze? is my lazy eye drifting? the clues are found in the little details you catch. details become everything when you are trying to develop perspective. perspective creates the opinons and views that you hold dear. and the opions and views you have, you will project in some fashion to the world at large. it's been said that the eyes are a window into the soul. how true is that saying?

subtle undertones

its strange how my past haunts me the way it does. my past is like eating reese's pb cups filled with fish hooks . ahhh... the warm smooth chocolaty memories on the outside and the crap that gets you in the middle. memories have a way of luring you into their pretty little trap by reminding you of wonderful time gone by, then they snag you when you find yourself wishing to be back there in those times. you then suddenly find yourself stuck in the past and losing sight of the present and the future. the sad thing is that, i, myself would so much love to return to the days of childhood, simplicity, living with with my parents etc. when i can never return to any of that. they (who is "they" anyway?) say that you only have one life to live and it is true. God has designed living to be forward moving and constantly developing even as i try to thwart living by returning to past memories and situations. i'm not saying much here in this post, but the one thing i want to get across to you is forget the past and look forward. it's easy enough to look back and see all that's behind--- scary to look forward and see absolutely nothing of what is ahead of you. i know this first hand and my solution is to let go of what worries me and put my faith in the knowledge that God can see what lies ahead for me.

yes

yes... those last two pictures are of yours truly...

it was all yellow 

half second thought

today i discovered that honesty is the best policy. really... it is. you can take my word on it.

silent brilliance

the clouds tonight were as lightning bugs trapped in bedsheets. sparks of monstrous power spun through gray masses of moisture and like strobe lights lit distant roofs and tree branches leaving etched black shadows in their absence. to the west i could see the storm hovering miles away and to the east, behind me, lay a clear sky covered in blinking stars. i was struck at the disparity of the sight. how in one direction sheer hell could break loose and in the other a beautiful calm could be found. with the lightning so far from me, i couldn't hear the percussive claps of thunder; yet from it's incredible display i understood it's power. a beautiful night...

apologetic exerpt

i mourn the loss of conscience in today's modern world. there is nary a person found now who, if disturbed by guilt, will own up to being wrong I.E. when someone says something hurtful then tries to laugh it off or refuses to acknowledge what was said made impact.{ i am sometimes that person- so i am not being self-righteous here.} for me, though, if i do utter something hurtful 9 times from 10 i will recognize the inner spark of guilt and conscience; and ask forgiveness. what if we were to all do this 10 times out of 10? could doing this affect and effect the world around us? what if we would take responsibilty for our every action rather than sueing and blaming others for our mistakes? what if we were to apologize even if it fatally wounds our pride? i know i would love to keep my pride intact if i had the choice and the choice i do have! every day i fight to make the choice to own up to my mistakes... to ask God and man for forgiveness when i err.

a whisper of light

one moment free from the past and in the next haunted by it all over again ...and this is how i feel. tonight is all too familiar to me, the night alone, waiting by the phone for a call back from a message left hours ago to an old friend who is most likely doing -something- which is more than i am doing right now. there is this empty feeling inside and truth be told, i should be above this. yet weakness still remains inside of me. once again i have done everything my way today... finding myself licking these self inflicted wounds and wondering what happened. pity is a dangerous dancing partner as tonight the music's playing and i'm like john travolta under the disco lights: ready to dance the night away. selfishness, pity, remorse, delicate memories and emptiness all tempt me in their seductive ways. i linger, listening to the confusing voices of my heart, mind and nature all yelling at the same time. if i could only, for even one second, just hear the whisper of God's gentle voice calling to me... everyone tells me it will be alright in the end and deep down somewhere i know that to be true. i still doubt it, though. heaven sounds too perfect and this world feels too real. must i remind myself that Jesus while altogether perfect lived in this reality too? the bible says that we have a "high priest who sympathizes with us" and how true . He understands all the struggles and demons i fight; all the wounds i find myself with and He is whispering His encouragement to me, even tonight when i want to toss my towel and give up this profession called life. in every moment of doubt, pity or selfishness i seek out His whisper of light. one glimmer of hope is easy to see in a sea of darkness...