caffeine rarely works

a new chapter

2009-04-28T11:04:00.002-04:00

God gave my wife and i a beautiful baby boy last friday!

from the opposite side of things

2009-04-22T08:53:00.007-04:00

"Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with (Albert) Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizziccal, Einstein explained: 'You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don't know how many times my hat can.'" (excerpt from page 435 of Walter Isaacson's book "Einstein - His Life and Universe")

how many times have we trusted in the hat and not the hair? the moment it rains we dive for our cars, umbrellas, jackets or hats to protect our bodies from the cold wet torrents. yet, we also take showers and baths without a second thought about our bodies getting wet. when we're trapped on a street corner with no hat or umbrella in a thunderstorm, we quickly forget the thousands of baths we've taken where the same water has not harmed us at all. how does this apply to me, you ask? let me explain.

as soon as i read this, einstein's quote sparked a revelation in the way i have been thinking. am i seeing from the wrong side of things? most of the time, when finances flatten my wallet or something out of my control rears its ugly head, my first action is to begin to worry or try to figure out how to instantly solve the problem. it's my equivalent of putting on a hat in a torrential downpour. my hair will still get wet. what if, instead, i was to say when rain falls in my life: (as einstein saw it) "you see, my life has withstood many trials because of God's grace, but i don't know many times my worry can." its time to stash that hat under your coat for good. you can withstand the rain.

just like forgetting you survived that cleansing and refreshing shower you took this morning when you're running slapdashedly to your car smothered in an afternoon rainstorm; it becomes just as easy to forget every trial and every problem you have survived before when you are in the middle of the current storm in your life. you try to put your hat on, you put up an umbrella but somehow that that storm still gets to you. how worthwhile was putting that hat on? rain and sun wear hats out, but you will always have your hair. after all, it was meant to survive all that in the first place.

"...and the heavy rain falls, the swollen torrents come, and the winds blow and beat against the house; yet it does not fall, for its foundation is on rock." (matthew 7:25 wnt) imagine having a house built on a rock, then, as a hurricane slides into the coast, running outside and erecting a large tent over said house.

einstein, in a convertible with the top down and rain approaching, removed his hat because he saw from the opposite side of things. he must have had a few hats in his life, and the one stashed under his coat must have replaced another one at one time. on the other hand he had had his hair all his life. he knew which would survive the rain and wind better.

maybe it is time to remember that, with God, our lives will always survive what ever falls around us, instead of throwing worry over our heads, trying to protect in our own futile way what does not even need that kind of protection.

allergic reactions

2009-03-23T12:58:00.008-04:00

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. "
-Corrie Ten Boom

in honour of the first day of spring, my allergies have decided to come out and be a part of the festivities. a wonderful time of year as things warm up and live again... and my eyes begin to itch. lovely allergies.

what is an allergy anyway? Allergy: A misguided reaction to foreign substances by the immune system, the body system of defense against foreign invaders, particularly pathogens (the agents of infection). The allergic reaction is misguided in that these foreign substances are usually harmless. The substances that trigger allergy are called allergen. Examples include pollens, dust mite, molds, danders, and certain foods. People prone to allergies are said to be allergic or atopic. (from medicinenet.com)

after reading this, i realized that this applies to worry. is the worry we have a misguided reaction to something foreign in our lives that may just end up being harmless? it may just be.

i've used the "do not worry about your lives" verse here once or twice before but it serves being put up again:
“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. “But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith!" (matthew 6:25-30 nasb)

in other words- don't have misguided reactions to things that are of little importance. worry is inefficient. as corrie ten boom stated above: "it empties today of its strength". the allergies im dealing with right now are making my eyes itch, making me sneeze out of control and making me feel tired and drained. all this because there is pollen in the air that is intended to help the growth of spring vegetation- not kill me. but my body seems to think pollen is out to kill me so its spending all its valuable resources trying to keep any molecule of pollen at least 50 feet from me through violent blasts of air from nose.

worry does the same thing. it taxes all your resources in an effort to try to prevent something from happening that (1) you have no control over and (2) will not do what worry is telling you it will do to you. worry wont add a single minute to your day. worry really does nothing at all except leave you feeling tired and drained. it empowers events, people and things that currently have no power over your life to suddenly, inexplicably take complete control of your life.

are your worries driving you crazy? they drive me crazy all the time because i deal with worry alot. just like with allergies- the cure is fighting back. worry is one of your greatest enemies- its emptying your today of its strength. just like people take allergy medicine to fight their sneezing, we need to take our worry medicine. what cures a bad case of the worries?
“Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing? ...for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (matthew 6:31-34 nasb)

the trick is to seek God first. how do we seek God? "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." (jeremiah 29:13 nasb) its going to require all of you to seek God. if you commit your resources and energy to seeking God, you'll have no resources left to use on worrying.

thats how you fight worry. God already knows that we will need what we are worrying we won't have. He knows. don't worry.

this is for you

2009-03-10T14:59:00.003-04:00

(this post inspired by this article)

dear you,

im not sure what you're going through; or what you're dealing with right now but i just wanted to let you know- it's going to get better. you will make it through.
ignore the news on the web and tv; the craziness of the day and the situation of the world for a moment and realize God loves you. you are not insignificant at all. you may feel alone right now, you may feel scared or even hurt or abused but He says this: "Aren't two sparrows sold for a penny? Not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father's permission. Every hair on your head has been counted. Don't be afraid! You are worth more than many sparrows." (matthew 10:29-31 gwt)

God doesn't even let a sparrow fall without his permission. and if you're worth more than many sparrows and He knows how many hairs are on your head- i think it's safe to say He is involved in every detail of your life and sees what you're going through." so why doesn't He stop this pain or remove these problems i'm going through?", you might ask.
one of my favourite quotes is from c.s. lewis who says: "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." What is God shouting to you? this pain and suffering you're going through might have a purpose that you need to discover.

Phillip Yancey says it like this: "Every square millimeter of the body has a different sensitivity to pain, so that a speck of dirt may cause excruciating pain in the vulnerable eye whereas it would go unreported on the tough extremities. When organs such as the heart detect danger but lack receptors, they borrow other pain cells, which is why heart attack victims often report pain in the shoulder or arm. The pain system automatically ramps up hypersensitivity to protect an injured part (explaining why a sore thumb always seems in the way) and turns down the volume in the face of emergencies (soldiers often report no pain from a wound in the course of battle, only afterwards). Pain serves us subliminally as well: sensors make us blink several times a minute to lubricate our eyes and shift our legs... to prevent pressure sores. Pain is the most effective language the body can use to draw attention to something important. "

why would i put this in a letter to you when you're needing encouragment? good question. because pain is the language God uses to draw attention to something important in your life. i don't know exactly whats going on in your life but i know God is shouting. God is shouting to me right now too. if your arm or your head were in extreme pain, wouldn't you go to a hospital or buy some medicine to relieve the pain?

go to God who "who comforts us in all our affliction" (2 corinthians 1:4 nasb) and who understands what you're going through.

you are going to make it. i know it. maybe, just maybe- what you're going through right now is bringing attention to something in your life, that if addressed and worked on will make you better. i say this because even this morning, God is shouting to me. there are things that even i know i need to address and i too have pain to remind me of that.

God's megaphone is rousing you. go to Him and tell Him where it hurts, whats going on and why you're at the point of giving up. He will help you. He can heal what others have hurt and fix what others have broken.

in love, josh

mano a mano (or fisticuffs and the reactions thereof)

2009-02-24T11:09:00.012-05:00

"for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" -Newton's Third Law

in 1943, the illustrious director Frank Capra released a movie series entitled "Why We Fight". in this series- he graphically defined why America was at war with the axis powers and why World War 2 was becoming a great and terrible war. we watch as a man named Adolph Hitler rises from almost pauper like status to becoming the face and force behind the transformation of Germany into a Nazi powerhouse; blitzkreiging his way through virtually every European nation and trying to kill off every ethnic group within his grasp. and we watch as Newton's Third Law comes into play when, with Nazi Germany at their doorstep, the tiny nation of Britain holds back the onslaught of Hitler's might; and with the Japanese attack at Pearl Harbor drawing America into the fray, how the Allied Nations bring the fight to the Axis Countries and slowly begin to turn the tides of war.
Hitler's actions had caused equal (and overwhelming) reactions.
what reactions are our actions causing? i am in no way comparing any of you to Hitler by an stretch of the imagination but i am using this example as a way to drive a point across.
your actions will cause reactions. good or bad, something will go down when you do something. call it karma, call it the butterfly effect cus frankly i dont care what label we try to put on our actions-invairiably they are our actions. us conscienciously deciding to do something for the good or bad of ourselves and those around us. our actions, the very deeds that move the wheels of the world.
^"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you." (Luke 6:27-31 niv)
why would Jesus say this? because He knew that our actions would cause reactions.
remember this next time you want to get into verbal fisticuffs with your wife over who didnt leave the toilet seat down or want to go mano a mano with the guy who cut you off in traffic.
Jesus isnt saying be a pacifist and let everyone run you over and make you altercation pavement. He is however reminding us that there are consequences for our actions.
what we act out on for good and what we act out on for bad will all generate some form of repercussion.
the question now is: can you handle the repercussion?

caffeine. the other drug.

2009-02-16T22:35:00.004-05:00

deer in head lights

2009-02-16T12:21:00.013-05:00

"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go 'Hey, I'm Vine Man'." -Jack Handey

it's time to wisen up.
someone who sees an entire universe in a grain of sand is aware of more than himself, he's aware of all that is around him and seeks to understand it. the doofus rolling around in the seaweed is only aware of himself and understands only that it is making people laugh.
when i took a missions trip to romania in 2002, i thought i understood that there were poor, suffering people in the world and that yes, they needed help. i had seen the rundown neighbourhoods in my own city and pictures from around the world of kids sitting on trash heaps and the like. but the moment i walked into a state run orphanage in oradea, romania where a chicken pox epidemic had just broken out, where trash was being burned in piles by men in dirty white jumpers with cafeteria hats on and where, suddenly, a small 3 year old girl who weighed about as much as a newborn child jumped into my arms and held on for dear life- simply happy to find someone who wanted to hug her; that moment was the moment i understood. that was the moment i went from playing in seaweed to picking up a grain of sand.
one of my favourite quotes is from socrates, who says: "the only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." you can read into this however you would like; yet what i get from it is that wisdom is being aware of the fact that you are rolling around in seaweed and that is not the place you should be in.
its like a deer in headlights. i'm from new england and up there, deer get stupid when they get near roads. in the forest they're pulling bambi re-enactments like nobody's business. eating beds of clover, nuzzling skunks and running from forest fires and guys with .22s. the moment you get a deer near a road or highway, it's over. and at night it goes from bad to worse. i imagine the conversation of two deers (wait, i forget, is deer also plural in itself like moose?) contemplating crossing a busy highway at 10pm going something like this:

bob the deer: "hey jim, let's cross this really loud thingy here and dance through those fast moving thingamabobs like we do through the lillies!"
jim the deer: "i don't know, i think i should be scared about trying that."
bob the deer: "nah we're sweet with this- those fast moving white lights are fireflies or something. it's totally safe. on the count of three, we go! one... two..."

you get the idea i think. the moment deer step onto a road they are in unfamiliar territory. deer do not understand what a car is, what it does, why it exists, what it can do to them or why its speeding straight for them. they only know that there are two very bright points of light coming towards them very fast. so what they do, armed with only this information? stare. deer will stand in the middle of the road, broadside to the coming car, aim their eyes at it and stare. and wait for those two points of light to nuzzle their noses. you can guess the results of deer in headlight wisdom.

what do you think you know? maybe it's time to have some of the things you think you know get challenged by what they really are. bob the deer thought he knew what a car was until he met a car. i thought i knew suffering people until i met suffering people. the moment you understand the grain of sand and stop rolling around in the seaweed is the moment you see through the eyes of wisdom rather than through the eyes of a deer in headlights.

a list

2009-02-10T12:11:00.003-05:00

here is a list i put up on my facebook of 25 things you might not want to know about me (or might want to know). either way- here they are.

1. i can't fight the feeling that someday i could either go deaf or blind; as a result i have taught myself how to tell my clothes apart by touch only and i have memorized how each note sounds on a piano and can play said piano in complete darkness.

2. i met my wife on myspace. i would never take it back =) but dont try this at home.

3. i think i am the most boring person in the world so im surprised when people laugh with me.

4. i will help you out and put 180 percent of me into it, but if you dont return even just 10 percent i will still help you if you need it again.

5. i was born south of boston and lived there for almost 20 years of my life. if i had a really good reason to return to new england i would. there is nothing like spring and fall up north.

6. i have so many interests going at once that i dont even notice my ADD.

7. if i was invited to a u2 concert and a yo-yo ma concert being held on the same date- i would take the yo-yo ma concert.i love u2 but cello is my all time favourite instrument-i get goosebumps just listening to it.

8. i sometimes wish i had grown up in England. im alittle bit of an anglophile. i spell color "colour" and favorite "favourite". i love fish and chips and the beatles. winston churchill is my homeboy. cs lewis is my hero. etc.

9. 8 years ago i told God i would never move to Florida. ever. 2009 marks my 6th year in florida. learn your lesson kids!

10. i love japanese and samurai arts and culture. calligraphy art is amazingly simple and beautiful.

11. i can identify just about any aircraft manufactured from 1930 and on. it stems from my obsession with aviation since age 10.

12. i always find my wife the most beautiful when she is feeling the most unkempt.

13. i hate crowds. its why i have never been inside disney and why i dont like midways. and its one reason why i got into being a live sound tech: i didnt have to be in the crowd.

14. i eat conspiracy theories for breakfast. ask me about anything and i'll have a conspiracy theory for it. but i dont buy into any of that area 51 crap at all. its military airplanes. get over it people.

15. i almost joined the air force and the coast guard but i chickened out.

16. my and my wife have talked, texted or emailed each other every single day since we first met, with the exception of only one day and i love her like crazy.

17. i know how to solve the financial crisis but i know i will never be taken seriously. i know alot of things i just never say them cus i never feel like people care to take me seriously.

18. the things people tell i am really good at and ask me to do alot of are the things that get really boring to me really fast.

19. give me a yamaha grand piano to play on a windy bluff in cape cod overlooking the cold atlantic ocean on a cool, gray day with seagulls calling all around and i would be content.

20. i know i'm wierd and i embrace it with all i am. i have a nerd alert sign above my desk at work.

21. i went to romania for 10 days and it took a part of my heart when i left. i will always consider it my second home and im planning on going back somehow, someday.

22. im a scared procrastinator. i owe alot to alot of people for kicking me out of my corner and helping me get to where i am today. you know who you are! thank you.

23. if i could direct my dream movie jerry bruckheimer, quentin tarantino, tom hanks and steven speilberg would produce, hans zimmer and howard shore would compose the soundtrack; denzel washington, bruce willis, brad pitt, scarlet johannsen, natalie portman, laurence fishburne, steve carell and lauren graham would star. the title of this movie? "trepidation".

24. i sometimes feel like i dont deserve my wife or all the things in my possession. was i a monk in a former life? no. all i know is i owe everything in my life to God's limitless grace.

25. i almost died in the hospital at age 2 due to my asthma which i no longer have. great way to finish this thing up, isnt it? =)

26. i estimate all numbers i need to calculate. that said there may only be 25 on this list so #26 is just in case.

find the target first

2009-02-03T08:39:00.006-05:00

"My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have and I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone...for any reason ever no matter what. No matter where or who or who you were with or where you are going or...where you've been. Ever. For any reason whatsoever." -Michael Scott, The Office (tv show) Season 4 Episode 11

Huh? That is someone without a target, without a goal. What is your target? What are you aiming at in life?
Chances are that target moved and you missed.
Life isn't a shooting range. For people learning how to shoot a gun, going to the range is essential. Mastering the skill of hitting a set point downrange is a wonderful tool, but when you get into a real life scenario; chances are things can get crazy. Sure you can hit dead center on the indoor range target with a .22 rifle from 20 yards; but when you are tracking a 5 point buck 40 yards away dashing west to east through the foliage at about 5mph with a light rain around you and the wind is blowing 8 mph north to south and a bead of sweat has just dropped into your sighting eye- will you still hit the target?
I think sometimes we treat our dreams, goals and ambitions like we're at the shooting range. The target is in our control. It's our comfort zone. But what we're training for in there is not in there. We are merely taking target practice. The real target, the real goal is outside, where nothing is in our control. Target practice is only training.
It's like wanting to start a band. You come up with a name "asparagus parking meter". You buy a Fender guitar. You buy a huge Marshall guitar amp. You play hours of Rock Band on Xbox. You create a wicked cool myspace. You recruit your girlfriend and her friends to make t-shirts. And then some promoter guy finds you a gig. Then you get scared and quit. Why? You've only been taking target practice. You don't have a drummer or bassist. You haven't learned how to actually play that guitar you bought. You don't even have one song written and your mom knows you can't sing. But you have awesomely sweet t-shirts. Get out of the shooting range.
Being able to hit a real target requires adjusting yourself to the surroundings you can't control and knowing how to deal with them so you hit the target. That rock band you want to lead? It's making a mad dash across an open field and you need to adjust your aim with the wind, the weather, your own arm, the distance etc.
In other words, people will say you can't do it. You'll have a severe dis-like for your guitar teacher. the recording studio will be beyond your budget. No one will want to book you. You need a drummer, bad. You and your girlfriend are the only ones that think the t-shirts are rockin'. Still want to hit that target? It's impossible. You need a target you can hit. But you left the shooting range behind. Now what?
That's where Jesus comes in.
"Since we are surrounded by so many examples [of faith], we must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially sin that distracts us. We must run the race that lies ahead of us and never give up. We must focus on Jesus, the source and goal of our faith. He saw the joy ahead of him, so he endured death on the cross and ignored the disgrace it brought him. Then he received the highest position in heaven, the one next to the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:1-2 GWT)
Jesus zoned out. He ignored all the distractions and temptations and instead focused on the joy ahead of Him. And we must do the same by focusing on Him.
Being focused on Him, we can ignore the lies and the things that hinder us from doing what we know we need to do, from aiming for the target. Are you seeing the joy that is ahead of you?

constant in change

2009-01-29T11:04:00.000-05:00

What can we take on trust
in this uncertain life? Happiness, greatness,
pride - nothing is secure, nothing keeps.
~Euripides, Hecuba

change is currently what im in right now. my wife will be giving birth to our son in april and we're moving to a new place tomorrow. change is what the world is dealing with as we watch markets tumble and nations and peoples go to war. As Robert C. Gallagher says"Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine." change produces alot of unknowns. it can leave us worried and confused or feeling out of control.
still, the only constant is change most people will say and that does ring true in this life. but the counterpoint is there: even ships in constantly changing seas have an anchor to help them in the roughest waters. change often makes us feel like a ship floundering in massive swells and we find ourselves searching for an anchor. is it there?
"...God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride...". (Psalm 46:1-3 nasb) I'm wondering if this the anchor we've been looking for. If God is our help and strength when the earth is changing and mountains are collapsing and waters roar then it would stand to reason that God is there when my wife gives birth or when we're going through all thats required to change locations. what change are you dealing with? is the earth changing around you like it is around me? God is our refuge in all of this. Our anchor in our changing seas.
"So that when it was God's desire to make it specially clear to those who by his word were to have the heritage, that his purpose was fixed, he made it more certain with an oath; So that we, who have gone in flight from danger to the hope which has been put before us, may have a strong comfort in two unchanging things, in which it is not possible for God to be false; And this hope is like a strong band for our souls, fixed and certain..." (Hebrews 6:17-19 bbe) God has a fixed promise and purpose for us. Even when everything else changes- His purpose is fixed and sure. Still wondering if He is your anchor?
"Every good and true thing is given to us from heaven, coming from the Father of lights, with whom there is no change or any shade made by turning." (James 1:17 bbe) Our Father doesn't change. In the midst of your change, hold onto the One "with whom can be no variation" (James 1:17b asv). The One who does not change. I'm reminding myself to do just that, cus my seas are rolling along at a nice clip and i know i need an anchor.

deeds that move the wheels of the world

2009-01-23T10:52:00.005-05:00

"The road must be trod, but it will be very hard. And neither strength nor wisdom will carry us far upon it. This quest may be attempted by the weak with as much hope as the strong. Yet such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere."
The Lord of the Rings Book 1 The Fellowship of the Ring by JRR Tolkien
-Elrond, Chapter 'The Council of Elrond'.

do you feel like whatever it is you are trying to accomplish is work done in vain? or that the little battles you have to deal with everyday are starting to feel like they are not worth going through anymore? i've been feeling that way lately myself.
the quote above mentions "the deeds that move the wheels of the world" and that "small hands do them because they must". i wonder if the small hands even know that they are moving the wheels of the world...
the things we do everyday, in the shadow of the history of the world, seem very insignificant. we go through our day just trying to keep ourselves alive and together and cling to some measure of hope that whatever we do will take us somewhere, somehow. where is somewhere? how do we get there? and why even try? the moment we cannot answer these questions; this is where we begin to feel worthless and hopeless. so where does our misaligned hope find it's ground?
"That you were at that time without Christ... having no hope of the promise, and without God in this world. But now in Christ Jesus, you, who some time were afar off, are made nigh (near) by the blood of Christ. " Ephesians 2:13 (d-rb) our hope finds its foundation in Jesus. "I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope." Jeremiah 29:11 (gwt) a future filled with hope... now thats something we all desire- to know we have a future and that future is filled with hope. armed with this hope, how do we then live?
"For ours is not a conflict with mere flesh and blood, but with the despotisms, the empires, the forces that control and govern this dark world--the spiritual hosts of evil arrayed against us in the heavenly warfare. Therefore put on the complete armour of God, so that you may be able to stand your ground on the day of battle, and, having fought to the end, to remain victors on the field." Ephesians 6:12-13 (wmt) feeling insignificant? look at who our battle is with: "the forces that control and govern this dark world"; and look at our mission: "to remain victors on the field". this is a massive responsibility.
what are the "deeds that move the wheels of the world" then? each little Christ putting on the full armour of God and fighting to the end. we each have our little battles, but in the big picture only God can see, each little victory in each little battle will decide the outcome of our conflict with the spiritual hosts of evil arrayed against us. Like the quote i began with: "This quest may be attempted by the weak with as much hope as the strong. Yet such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: small hands do them because they must." we may feel insignificant, but we must realize that our small hands serve a much bigger purpose.

dreaming

2009-01-21T15:27:00.002-05:00

i put this up on my twitter feed and i thought i should cut and paste it here.

-the question i have for myself today is: "whats my dream? am i following it? is it unrealistic? does it follow where my talent leads? does it align with God's word?"-

my hypocrisy

2009-01-20T07:50:00.001-05:00

today is an historic moment. the united states is swearing in her new president. regardless of how you feel or what you believe, this is a moment to be proud of. congratulations president-elect Barack Obama on your well designed, well fought and gracefully won campaign. i pray that you will lead this country forward and that you will lean on God, not man, when you find yourself in great indecision.
with that said, this is a great oppourtunity to discuss hypocrisy: my hypocrisy.
during the campaign for president, both sides threw around words like stones at windows using names such as hypocrite to label their opponent and mar their reputation. and they are not alone. we throw our own stones, trying to judge others in an attempt to make ourselves look better. but Jesus quietly walks in as we madly rush about to pick up our stones and spin them wildly towards those we wish to judge and says: "...He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone..." (john 8:7) (kjv). time to put on the brakes.
hypocrisy defined: " a feigning to be what one is not or to believe what one does not ; especially : the false assumption of an appearance of virtue or religion". do we feign to we believe something we do not?
we act outwardly offended when in a public situation someone says (insert swear word) in our general vicinity but when we are alone in our cars getting cut off by some crazy guy in a pickup truck; we'll use the same swear word ourselves very liberally, possibly even sprinkling in a "dear Lord bless that man" to remain "holy". (editor's note: this situation was pulled directly from the author's life experiences)
but i digress. or do i. either way you could call me hypocritical. i'll take the chance and continue.
romans 2:1 "No matter who you are, if you judge anyone, you have no excuse. When you judge another person, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things." (gwt). there's the zinger right there. right in the kisser. a straight upper cut to the jaw. a... anyway, if the do not throw stones part didn't stop us, this should. am i abdicating a lawless society or that we should fire court judges? no. i'm talking about our condition as little Christs. or more specifically, my condition.
i tend to judge, to throw stones, to label others as hypocrites when i am just as much a hypocrite myself. i am guilty of this and more and i hope that you and i can recognize where we need the reconditioning before we try to recondition others.
as we welcome a new president, it's not time to point out all his faults or make rush judgements about his character. it is, however, time to do to others what we would want them to do to us.

making cents

2009-01-13T12:35:00.007-05:00

unless you reside under a stone, you might notice that the current economy is running on weak knees. when money is tight, there is a change in attitude among most people towards a more gloomy outlook or at least a darkening view of the world in general.
it came to me that, while not everyone has money; everyone has an attitude. what we bank into our attitude changes our attitude. in an unstable economy that is out of our control, we still have the ability to stabilize our attitude and bring it under control.
how we do this? first, let's imagine every encouraging word you use is worth one cent and every demeaning word subtracts one cent. while money is a limited item, there is no limit to the words you can use, so it's time to invest what you have.
you tell someone that you appreciate them. you have now deposited one cent into their "attitude account". you say hello to a co-worker instead of ignoring them. one cent into their "attitude account". now someone tells you they really liked the effort you put into something you did. one cent into your account. if this was to continue, we would all end up being "attitude millionaires". how does this help? it could change the very nature of our world.
we've seen how speculation, lies, rumours, thievery, terrorism and the like have been able to impact our economy to a devastating affect. isn't it time to see what truth, honesty, encouragement and the like can do to impact our economy?
why did people flock to Jesus wherever He went in His 3 years of ministry on the earth? He was the Love and the Hope to their normal, desperate lives. isn't it time we were the same?
its time to start making cents. it's time to start investing the unlimited words we have into other people in an effort to change the attitude of our times and impact our world.
if you have nothing, even something is worth everything. give someone who has nothing something today. keep it up. see what happens.

redemption

2009-01-13T10:06:00.006-05:00

the tv show 24 on fox featuring one of the greatest characters created for tv, jack bauer (portrayed by keifer sutherland), is back on for a new season and i'm watching every minute i can of it cus when chuck norris wants to go to sleep feeling safe, his momma reads him jack bauer stories. but that is beside the point.
yesterday, i ran across a quote from one of the shows seasons in which jack bauer states "...part of getting a second chance is taking responsibility for what you did wrong in the first place." and then i had a thought.
that's why Jesus came to save us. so we wouldn't have to bear all the weight of the responsibility for what we did wrong in the first place. "It is God who has delivered us out of the dominion of darkness, and has transferred us into the Kingdom of His dearly-loved Son, in whom we have our redemption--the forgiveness of our sins." Colossians 1:13-14 (wnt)
Jesus is our redemption, our second chance. in life, when we get a second chance i.e. traffic cop giving one a warning instead of a ticket or a judge sentencing one to community service instead of 1-5 years in the cell; our second chance requires is to be responsible for what we did wrong in the first place.
when the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was discovered, sin was welcomed into all of our lives. "For the wages paid by Sin are death; but God's free gift is the Life of the Ages bestowed upon us in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 6:23 (wnt) sin results in death. God loved the world so much that He choose to redeem us, to give us a second chance at life. He knew that if we were to take this second chance AND have to bear the weight and guilt of what we did wrong in the first place, we could not do it. thats why God gave His One and Only Son, so all that responsibility and guilt and shame would not fall on us, but on the shoulders of a dying, bleeding Christ who died and rose again to give us the greatest second chance of all- eternal life.

you feeling lucky, punk?

2009-01-02T10:52:00.007-05:00

wow. what a title to start the new year off with. no, this post has nothing to do with dirty harry or clint eastwood but as you'll discover, the title is relevant...
if you have ever used www.google.com to conduct a web search (i assume most have!) you'll notice the 2 choices just below the word search bar. the one on the left says "google search" and the one on the right says "i'm feeling lucky". are you? would you gamble your life on an "im feeling lucky" result? where am i going with this? here we go...
it crossed my mind today that we sometimes treat our search for answers to life like we're asking google and not God. God doesn't have a "i'm feeling lucky" search wherein you are given a random search result out of a myriad of possibilities available. He clearly states "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.' jeremiah 29:11 (nasb)" God does not rely on luck at all for the answers to our lives. but we have the tendency to do so ourselves.
if God knows the plans He has for us, why do we find ourselves at wit's end reading through every book but the bible, watching self help tv shows, asking everyone's opinion but God's, crying ourselves to sleep because we have too many answers or none at all, yelling at kids, friends, strangers because we're fed up and frustrated; and then hitting the "i'm feeling lucky" button and end up following either the advice of a book, neighbour or our discontent? (editor's note: possibly the longest sentence on CRW) because relying on God's plan requires relying on God.
its so simple to go the route of lucky and be able to blame someone or something else when the answer falls apart and we're left with our finger over the "i'm feeling lucky" button for the umpteenth time. but when it comes to relying on God, it requires our faith to go to work and our resolve to go through what we have to go through to see the answer God has already determined for us.
this year, the next time we are desperate for an answer to a problem in life, we should ask ourselves: "you feeling lucky, punk?" because once the answer becomes "no", we'll be well on our way to trusting in God who knows the plans He has for us and not towards gambling our lives away on random answers from random sources with random results.

social lite (republish)

2008-12-30T14:39:00.003-05:00

i wrote this ad for caffeine rarely works awhile back... i figured i'd dig it up and publish it again until i resume writing january 2nd. enjoy!
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tis the season

2008-12-24T16:23:00.003-05:00

from all of us here at the caffeine rarely works world headquarters to you and yours- have a wonderful christmas and a great start to the new year!

ripening

2008-12-23T11:20:00.009-05:00

yesterday was my 25th birthday. it's a wierd feeling, turning a quarter century old. with this in mind, i spent this morning contemplating where i am at in life.
not only am i 25 years old, i am an uncle to an awesome 3 year old nephew. i have been married for two and a half years to my beautiful wife and my first child is due to be born this coming in april. i was born south of boston and now live east of orlando. i wanted to be a pilot when i was 10 and today i play music and work in a corporate office.
i'm ripening. that's what i arrived on today.
i remember watching mom's tomatoes grow in her little garden; complete with marigolds to ward off the maurading ant armies. the tomatoes would arrive on the vine tiny and green (one time i tried to eat one and i will never try that again!) and over the course of several days, their shade would slowly progress from green to yellow and from yellow to red. i used to get impatient waiting for them to be ripe; wondering why they didnt just emerge as ready-to-eat tomatoes just waiting to be placed on a salad. but just as any life on earth takes time to mature, those tiny green tomatoes needed time to develop and ripen before they were ready to be used.
i'm ripening. 25 years ago, i arrived; a tiny green bud on a vine. i wasn't ready to fall in love or dream about being a pilot, i was crying and cold and missing my mother's womb. i had a long way to go cus it takes time to ripen. 15 years ago, watching jet contrails stream overhead, wondering what being in a cloud was like; the greenish hue began to slowly give away to yellow. 10 years ago, dealing with teen age awkwardness, i didnt notice the faint red spots beginning to show in all the yellow and green. and i kept on ripening...
i think that yesterday, though, was the day i noticed just how much red is really showing...

unsaved money

2008-12-11T13:12:00.007-05:00

there is currently a billboard up around town emblazoned with the following "quote": "save money, and money will save you."
money will save you. interesting statement. every time i go out and purposefully spend money- i look for deals and never pay full price for anything- i try to save money. despite that its still tight times for the conti household and money sure aint growing on trees. if there was ever a time for all that money i saved to now save me- now is the time! but money has not saved me. why is this?
1 Timothy 6:10 states why. "For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs." And that is why money won't be saving me anytime soon. It's really quite hard to imagine "a root of all sorts of evil" SAVING me! i believe that in the heart of most men lies the desire to want to be pulled from the circumstances they are caught in and be rescued. so why would we believe that evil could save us?
faith. it's a hard pill to swallow. it's very easy to look at a one dollar bill and know that it exists and that it can provide what it promises to provide. God, on the other hand, lies beyond our grasp and view; asking us to trust that He will provide what He promised He will provide and we must rely on faith, not sight. and thusly i believe faith is the differential between our trust in money or God. after all the verse above clearly states that money will sometimes cause some to leave the faith. faith: the evidence of things unseen. therein begins our struggle.
in these economic times there is a battle between money and faith that we must make ourselves aware of. we look at our checkbooks and wallets and beg the stock market to surge and a new president to bailout our drowning economic system. we look at what we have and wish for just to survive. we look at what we can see and it destroys our hope. we stampede store workers just to save money so it will save us. we apply for more and more credit cards to give the appearance that money can save us. we exhaust the resources we can see, desperately begging money to save us and come up short even still. we have fallen away from faith.
faith. why does God go so far as to say "Blessed are you poor, because the Kingdom of God is yours." (Luke 6:20)? because the rich have already established their god and their kingdom of money. they have no need for what they cant see. Jesus states: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God". those engorged in the love of money (see my previous blog "a love of money") have no use for faith because what they can see is what they choose to believe in.
God tells David: "For every beast of the forest is Mine, The cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird of the mountains, And everything that moves in the field is Mine. If I were hungry I would not tell you, For the world is Mine, and all it contains.". (Psalm 50:10-12) Basically God is telling us He owns the world. That He is far richer than any one man. The world is His. all we need to do to tap into His endless provision is believe in Him. That He is our saviour. How do we do this? through faith.
faith. the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. our love of money will not save us. it's a stormy downdraft that will rip us from the sky and slam us into the ground, destroying us. just like birds that leap from trees limbs, trusting that the unseen air will lift them up- we can leave the ground behind and soar if we trust in the plan of our unseen Saviour.

url

2008-12-03T15:49:00.005-05:00

i've been quite active online lately and have run into a few great blogs. i love to find bloggers that are in the world but not of the world, if you catch my drift.
links are not linked 1. because i might be lazy and 2. the lost art of copy and paste may die.

sports with a proper twist: www.prayersforblowouts.com

my father in law's gifted insights are at: www.glimmerman55.blogspot.com

do you like what they like? find out: stuffchristianslike.blogspot.com

go deeper: www.97secondswithgod.blogspot.com

and if anyone out there has twitter- im on twitter now! www.twitter.com/analoguepilot
follow me if you'd like up to the minute insights from yours truly!

a true story - chapter three

2008-11-26T16:47:00.003-05:00

Chapter Three

work had been long. too long. he wondered what they meant by "long"; and who were "they" anyway? but these were the normal questions. the one question he could not answer was why he did this routine everyday.
it was night again. time for the dodging of twenty somethings in street racers again. the pausing at the light. "a blind man could live the life i live", he thought out loud to the quiet stars too far to hear the noise of the world below. a blind man. what would he do if he went blind? his entire life revolved around interpreting information from computer screens, driving, staring down a viewfinder at a subject. he needed his eyes.
that was one thing that separated him from the blurred, faceless masses. his eyes. his ability to see from his perspective. to look at his wife and know she's beautiful. to frame a person on the confines of a 4 by 6 viewfinder and compose a decent portrait. to guide his hands up and down the black and white puzzle of piano keys. to finish a day at work. his eyes transposed theory into fact.
you could tell him that the sunset was beautiful out but that would never be enough for him. a rush to the window or a dart downstairs would be required to verify that statement. it wasnt because he didnt believe. it was because he needed to experience. no one held his perspective. and his perspective kept telling him that the current routine needed rescue.
leaving his routine bobbing helplessly in it's swamped life raft on a raging sea of procrastination and circumstance , he climbed into his car, dialed in the engine and headed for the commute home. the sunrise would bring another long day.

a true story - chapter two

2008-11-25T06:59:00.008-05:00

A True Story
Chapter Two

that was night. this was day. he drank mornings in like a drunk on his eighth pilsner- hungrily. today was no exception. a tiny, finger nail clipping of a moon hung suspended over silhoutted cumulous clouds ringed in the faint orange glow of the rising sun. beautiful.
mornings were redemption. just like the shower he took every morning, the sunrise scrubbed away the remains of yesterday and made each day feel new.
the drive to work was his solace. no one to talk to, no one to have to interact with. not lonely at all, more like hitting the pause button on the dvd player right before the fight scene in a movie. much like taking a breath and enjoying it's benefits. calm.
there were many things on his mind today: channels being flipped by tiny neurons wearing out the battery on the remote. thats where driving comes into play. something to focus on. the road ahead. checking the mirrors, listening to the motor, quick glancing over his left shoulder at the rapid advance of the pale yellow edge of the sun burning against the cold sky. laughing at a quip made by a radio host or playing air drums to electronic music all while safely! guiding his car down the highway to work.

To Be Continued...

a true story - chapter one

2008-11-24T17:37:00.007-05:00

instead of my normal blog entries- i have opted to change pattern and compose a short fictional story. i need to stretch my mind and take my writing for a brisk jog. you are welcome to come join me as i exercise...

A True Story by Joshua Conti
Chapter One

summer solstice had passed. because of 20th century school schedules conflicting with 20th century farmer's harvests, his normal sunset blissed commute home was now committed in the dark.
night and day take on their own unique forms and daytime's was the one he knew well. night was another animal altogether.
the main road leading out from his parking space was possessed by college students tearing hellbent in foreign build sedan-turned-street-racers towards a unknown destinations, unafraid of death or old ladies in lincoln town cars.
during the day, he could easily spot them from a quarter mile away in another lane, but at night they could elude him completely. at the second intersection on the main road, he knew to count to 8 seconds after the left turn light sparked green before lurching forward as 20 of these cars could easily run the opposing left turn light's angry red glow. and all this only happened at night.

To Be Continued...

passe ainsi la sagesse de l'homme

2008-10-31T13:28:00.006-04:00

And as for myself, brethren, when I came to you, it was not with surpassing power of eloquence or earthly wisdom that I came, announcing to you that which God had commanded me to bear witness to. For I determined to be utterly ignorant, when among you, of everything except of Jesus Christ, and of Him as having been crucified. And so far as I myself was concerned, I came to you in conscious feebleness and in fear and in deep anxiety. And my language and the Message that I proclaimed were not adorned with persuasive words of earthly wisdom, but depended upon truths which the Spirit taught and mightily carried home; so that your trust might rest not on the wisdom of man but on the power of God. Yet when we are among mature believers we do speak words of wisdom; a wisdom not belonging, however, to the present age nor to the leaders of the present age who are soon to pass away. But in dealing with truths hitherto kept secret we speak of God's wisdom--that hidden wisdom which, before the world began, God pre-destined, so that it should result in glory to us; a wisdom which not one of the leaders of the present age possesses, for if they had possessed it, they would never have crucified the Lord of glory. (1 Corinthians 2:1-8 Weymouth New Testament)

passe ainsi la sagesse de l'homme (french) or thus passes the wisdom of man. in these last days of the elections to pick the next leader of our country- let these verses remind us that the candidate we're angry about or passionate about or unhappy/happy about is mere dust when compared to the wisdom of God. one mortal man cannot at all provide the answers we really need in our lives. as the verse above says- if the leaders of our present age had the wisdom only God possesses they would have thought twice about crucifying Jesus. think for a minute about the ramifications of that statement and let it sink in.
go out and vote but purpose in your heart to lean not on your own understanding or man's but in all your ways trust God's wisdom.

second place

2008-10-23T11:35:00.012-04:00

i was watching a re-run episode of "third watch" (a favourite show of mine) on a&e this morning before work and the main story line was that of a new paramedic trying to learn how other paramedics, policemen and firemen were able to posess compassion for others. what got me thinking was when the new paramedic's mentor looked at him (fed up with his insistent questions on how he could be compassionate) and said (and i paraphrase here): "you wanna know how to have compassion? look at you- you've used the word "me" 6 times in the last 5 seconds! try putting yourself second for awhile and see what happens. it's not about you. stop making being compassionate about you!"
if you don't think God uses tv to get a point across, you're mistaken. very mistaken. it really isn't about me and thats something biblical to read into.
browsing the latest headlines on wired.com today, i ran into an article about a facebook movement in cairo, egypt. did you know that it's illegal to hold a meeting of more than 5 people without a permit in egypt? i sure didn't. this year, a regular guy with a wife and child named ahmed maher didn't view this as an obstacle in his web based protest of his nation's opressive government. he facing arrest and worse, he started a movement called "april 6th youth" that at one time had up to and over 40,000 online supporters. arrested and beaten at least 2 times he still is fighting for an end to the injustice in his land. this article ( found at http://www.wired.com/techbiz/startups/magazine/16-11/ff_facebookegypt?currentPage=1 ) only served to play into today's theme: it's not about me.
my pastor, pastor ken hitte, is preaching from ephesians this month and he suggested we read the second chapter this week. guess what verse i found? ephesians 2:8-10. "for by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. for we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works. which God has prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them."
think about it. what paul is saying here is that there are two distinct "works" here. what we do on our own and what God has planned for us to do. our works will not do any good for us! the works that we do through God have been planned and purposed before we were even born. how much is it not about me? My own works will not get me into heaven- only what i do through God's will. and the things i do through God are not for me or about me because i am His workmanship already created to worship. love and serve Him. as his workmanship it should be second nature to put myself second and God in first place in my life. with all these reminders i've run into today, im going to say that second place isn't a bad place to be. besides, i have a pregnant wife so im already learning another side to the meaning of "second place"! but that's for another post...

ultrasounds

2008-10-17T10:00:00.003-04:00

this is an excerpt from my musings on my website (www.contimedia.us/music). this last tuesday, my wife and i went for her first ultrasound and this is what i wrote down the moment i got home...

i can’t think of anything to compare with seeing my child for the first time. according to the measurements- it could fit right into my palm with plenty of room to spare. being able to watch it move around and suck on its thumb, seeing its backbone and brain and belly… its tiny hands and feet… i am beside myself. i cant tell you how proud i am of my wife for taking on the journey of childbirth. our lives have changed forever! never before have i had as deep of a sense in God’s design and purpose as when i looked at the tiny human thriving inside my wife. i don't think i have the right words to describe how i feel... it was beautiful and awesome all at once.

uncomfortably content

2008-10-08T12:15:00.006-04:00

"I know both how to live in humble circumstances and how to live amid abundance. I am fully initiated into all the mysteries both of fulness and of hunger, of abundance and of want. I have strength for anything through Him who gives me power." philippians 4:12-13 (weymouth new testament)

i just found out that a $2,200 bill my wife and i would owe in february is being covered. this is welcome news. we're expecting our first child in april and i am beside myself with the sheer excitement of being responsible for the life of a child brimming full of God's purpose. but not so much with the monetary requirement thereof.
the economy is a black hole as we all know and despite everything i do to not worry about it, i am still uncomfortable and worried about it. yet, last night i was struggling with feeling content. why would i do that? why struggle with feeling content? simple. it goes against all this worry i have for everything going on around me.
being the good husband- i tell my wife: "don't worry about paying that" or "God knows and we'll be fine". easy words to say. not so easy words to actually believe. last night- struggling with actually believing that "God knows and we'll be fine" and my inecessant worry reached a pinnacle: i can be uncomfortably content.
i can be uncomfortable with the unstable world around me but i don't have to worry. i can be content with what i have (see my previous blog: a love of money). i can be content with where i am and with my circumstances. as paul says in the above scripture (and i paraphrase): "i have learned the secret of being content in every situation. i can do everything through him that gives me strength."
no matter if im living paycheck to paycheck or living off of a lottery winning (caffeine rarely works does not endorse gambling!) God gives me the strength to be content. i just have to learn to do everything through Him and not through my worry. after all- faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. why worry about what i can't see or control when God offers me the strength to conquer whatever lies ahead through my contenment in His purpose? there isn't a logical reason this side of sanity to do so!
as evidenced today- God is taking care of what i can't take care of and working everything out for His purpose. the next time i tell my wife "it's going to be okay, God's got this" i will make the greatest effort to put my faith and not my worry behind those words. i will be uncomfortably content.

a love of money

2008-10-01T15:35:00.013-04:00

i normally don't write about political or economic situations here, but i feel compelled to express what's spinning through my head as we watch wall st., the government and the world deal with the current economic "crisis".
i'm not going to discuss or outline what's going on but rather there's a point i want to drive at.
"Your life should be free from the love of money. Be satisfied with what you have, for He Himself has said, I will never leave you or forsake you. 6 Therefore, we may boldly say:
The Lord is my helper;
I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
7 Remember your leaders who have spoken God's word to you. As you carefully observe the outcome of their lives, imitate their faith. 8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." (Hebrews 13:5-8 HCSB)
what we are witnessing is a perverse love of money showing it's true colours on a grand scale. i'm not saying that i have never loved money or what it could bring me, but i do know that God has instructed me to be free of the love of money. and now more than ever, i intend to do so.

fear is the absence of faith. because God has said that He will never leave me, i can boldly state that I will not be afraid. then why do i currently find myself fearful and doubting? because i'm not free from the love of money.
the stock market is crashing. banks are collapsing. my tax dollars are going to help people that probably dont need my help. bills are due. i have a kid on the way. gas costs way too much. nothing is free anymore. etc...
where is this fear coming from? a love of money. we love money to much to give up worrying about it. we fear what could happen if we dont have it. we hold dear every bit of it we have and burn in jealousy at the bit of it we don't have.
i find it hard to be content with what i have. i have a good car but it could be a better car. i have a nice apartment but it's no 3 bed 2 bath house. i have a good job but its a lousy job. what fuels my desire to be discontent? money. for, in order to upgrade all i have, i would need more money.
God says be free of the love of that discontent. be content with what i have. why? He will never leave me alone. That's why i can say that He is my help; i am not afraid. what can man do to me? after all, if He can clothe the grass that is cut and thrown away; and feed the birds of the air, He can most certainly provide for me.
if i'm sitting here, becoming more worried by every new thing that happens in the stock market or the way things go at work or all the bills and things that need to be paid- then it's up to me to free myself from the love of my discontent. The Lord is my helper. I will not be afraid, for faith is the absence of fear.

preface to an idea...

2008-09-24T18:53:00.002-04:00

the following is an excerpt from a note i sent to my sister in law via myspace. i think that in these times of chaos we need to know that God is above it all and is always there. this blog is prefacing a longer one which i am working on... look for it in the next few days!

i guess the one thing to remember is God is like the sun- even when the clouds move through, or a hurricane crashes in or if nighttime comes- the sun is always shining. just like the sun- God never changes- stuff may come up, things may get in the way, pain tries to erode but God is still there- shining down. everything changes around us everyday but God will always remain the same. Dont worry too much cus storms always end up blowing away and the sun will shine again...

breaking news:God pwns volvo

2008-09-19T09:46:00.005-04:00

here is a great example of why God is amazing. dimunitive, pesky little locusts are created with more complex programming than an entire team at volvo can develop. the entire earth was created by our Creator in 7 days. so, doing some laymen's guesstamation math, i figure it took about 1 second or so for God to create the locust. try to beat that volvo...
(the following is an article found at http://www.wired.com/)

Volvo is determined to build an injury-proof car by 2020, and the engineers working out the bugs developing so complex a vehicle hope to include a few as well. They're studying the African locust to figure out how to make cars mimic the insect's uncanny ability to avoid crashing into each other as they swarm.
The goal is to incorporate the African locust's "sensory-input routing methodologies" in a car, making it smart enough to avoid hitting people. "If we could trace how the locust is able to avoid each other, maybe we could program our cars not to hit pedestrians," says Jonas Ekmark, Volvo's director of preventative safety.
The way Volvo sees it, there's no difference between millions of locusts swarming across Africa and millions of people commuting to work each morning. If the bugs can avoid hitting each other, they ask, why can't we?
"Locusts are quick-reacting and have reliable circuits, they do their computations against lots of background chatter, much like driving around town," says Dr. Claire Rind, a researcher at the University of Newcastle in London who turned Volvo on to the idea.
Rind's research at the Insect Vision Laboratory focuses on the behavioral patterns of locusts in flight and how it is that millions of them can swarm without hitting each other. Turns out the bugs' visual input is transmitted directly to their wings, seemingly bypassing the brain in what Rind calls the Locust Principle. Volvo engineers first heard of Rind's work in 2002 and set to work trying to adapt the Locust Principle to cars.
The work hinged on developing an algorithm that would mimic the insect's ability to send visual stimuli directly to its wings, then applying it to a vehicle's computerized safety features. Easier said than done. "As it turns out, the locust processing system is much more sophisticated than the hardware and software currently available," Ekmark says. "In the end, technology was no match for nature."
So for now the score remains Locusts 1, Volvo 0. But Volvo isn't giving up. "We still have many years of research ahead to bring that small locust brain into our cars," Ekmark says. "We have found a lowly locust has man beat, at least for now."

the awful grace of God

2008-09-17T13:21:00.018-04:00

"aw·ful" function: adjective date: 13th century meaning: inspiring awe

"day by day and hour by hour

pain drips apon the heart

as, against our will, and even in our own despite

comes wisdom from the awful grace of God" - Aeschylus

i came across this quote while reading "the handbook of christian apologetics". i was struck by the beauty of this ancient statement and it required of me that i write something on God's grace. After all, i view where i am only in the perspective of one who would not be alive if not for grace.

if someone was to ask me what {not who- if its who then my reply is "my wife"} my greatest inspiration is - i would reply "grace". God's awful grace inspires me everyday. Don't forget: by awful i and aeschylus are refering to the definition above and not the modern meaning.

grace by its very nature is all at once beautiful yet demanding. it offers freedom while requiring self control. Paul says (and i paraphrase from several Bible verses) "what then now? should we keep sinning because of the grace offered to us? no! sin should not be your master because we are no longer under law, but under grace." but i, the human i am, still take advantage of grace.

this should come as no surprise. for "where sin abounds, grace abounds so much more." when i take advantage of grace i need grace to rescue me from my taking advantage of grace! but i am diverting from the main point i want to make...

what is "wisdom from the awful grace of God"? the answer is too long so i'll attempt to condense it slightly. we first must define the "pain that drips apon our heart". the death of a friend or the hurt of a broken relationship. the medical condition that keeps one in bed or a twisted ankle. these are all pains that we feel- emotionally and physically. these pains are ones we try to avoid, try to fight off but cannot. this is where grace thrives.

grace thrives in our discontent. it thrives where our pain is the deepest. it longs for our tears. grace is more than comfort. it's God's strength when we can't move an inch further. grace's wisdom teaches us that when we have arrived at the very end of our rope and cannot hang on-the moment we let go is the moment we find the hands of God. the wisdom of grace is found when we wake up in the morning and have breath in our lungs. when we can't find the money for dinner but the food is still there; when we are fighting a hundred illnesses and can still smile. grace is not a fluffy concoction for luke-warm wannabes: it's a tangible substance of God's unfailing love that is freely offered "even in our own despite" to us without reserve. i hope we can each day discover the awful grace of God.

on this day...

2008-09-11T22:21:00.000-04:00

...we remember something that bit at the very core of our being. and a tear may still sting in our eye. somehow we were all intrinsically connected to the events that took place 7 years ago to this day. i can still remember vividly where i was and maybe you can too. without saying what has already been said i feel the need to write something on this day called 9/11. our president has coined this day patriots day but i see it in anther light. in some way- good or bad- ordinary humans did extraordinary things and true identities were revealed. modern america had real enemies and we had real heros. today- i pray that those who still feel the hurting bite at the memory of a lost friend or family member lost or the wringing anguish at the sight of the falling towers in the blur of september 11th are comforted.we must also remember this: God's ways are not our ways. somehow, while we still cannot see it, God wroughts his purpose in the fires of our greatest conflicts and pain to produce in us something better; something greater. i hope that we continually grow stronger in the face of evil that intended to weaken and by doing so forge a greater legacy for our children who will inherit all that we have to offer. -josh conti

meant to be broken, perhaps (part one)

2008-08-12T07:39:00.007-04:00

there is a door at my work that per the rules i am not supposed to use, save for an emergency.

my shift started at 6am this morning, so naturally theres the tendency to be tired... at 845am this morning i decided to take a walk to wake myself up.

the door i am not supposed to use is much more convienent to go out of from where i am at then the main door which i should use. i decided this morning to take my chances and depart from the former door since i didnt feel like using the latter. assuming my role as a modern workforce ninja, i scoped out the area and stealthily slipped out the door i am not supposed to use. quietly doing my best to avoid two managers on their smoke break; i headed for the freedom of the parking lots.

seconds later i ran into a disabled co-worker trying to get our of her car as the handicap spots had been taken up. i was more than happy to assist. and i got to wondering- if i hadn't broken the rules she would have been late to work and not had the help she needed. so we arrive at today's thought: are some rules actually meant to be broken?

to this is i answer: yes. if you're a police officer reading this- this does not mean i drive over the speed (all the time)...

one of my greatest heros is brother andrew (read his book God's Smuggler if you have the chance) who drove a vw beetle across the iron curtain into the territories of the USSR during the post WWII era through the cold war days to smuggle countless numbers of bibles to the underground churches there. the communist powers that be had one big glaring "rule": no bibles.
brother andrew recognized that the christians caught behind the iron curtain had one need: bibles.
his prayer at the border crossings? "Lord you made blind eyes to see, now make seeing eyes blind." a wonderfully short and to the point prayer of faith. and God listens. many times soldiers would tear apart his car to no avail but the bibles clearly sitting in the trunk on on the back seat would make it through and on to the home churches that needed the written word of God.

some rules are meant to be broken. its a gray line and more will need to be discussed. stay tuned for part 2!

sparks

2008-08-10T00:09:00.002-04:00

there's no time like no time

2008-08-08T11:35:00.006-04:00

as i was punching my way through morning rush hour traffic, i passed by a man with several signs spray-painted with "wake up america" and other types of slogans. here was somebody who had the time on a friday morning at 8:53 am to make a stand for his cause. wake up america? i didn't have time to wake up. let alone do anything for a cause... i was just trying to make it work on time.
eveyone has a cause; something they want to bring to the forefront of the world's attention. i have several but i dont have the time to sit by the highway and hold spray painted signs proclaiming how i feel.
we have as many hours in the day as anyone ever had at any time in history and somehow we never have time to do anything. yet we have so much to do. and what we have to do is something that we dont want to do- like work or driving or paying bills, etc.
last night there was an amazing lighting storm going on over the river near my house (pictures will be posted soon). instead of most nights where i would admire it for second then go back to the computer or tv, i actually went outside and took in the show. wait- i had time to do something i love to do? yep. the time was there all along, i just had to adjust my priorities.
where is all this going you might ask? keep up with me here for one second =)
our no time for our cause or the things we want to do is due to our priority system. luke 16:3 says "You cannot be the slave of two masters! You will like one more than the other or be more loyal to one than the other. You cannot serve both God and money (CEV)." i think i might be prioritizing the wrong master.
let's pull this all together...
today i passed by a guy who was making his voice and ideas known while i was rushing on my way to almost being late to work. i wished i had the time to do the same (maybe not in the same way). i realized that we all have the same time in the day to do the things we want or need to do and that what we do is based on our priorities. no time? we have all the time we need. we might just be serving the wrong master.

without love: asperity

2008-08-07T07:23:00.002-04:00

asperity \as-PAIR-uh-tee\, noun:
1. Roughness of surface; unevenness.2. Roughness or harshness of sound; a quality that grates upon the ear.3. Roughness of manner; severity; harshness.

i'm leaving a reminder to myself today to silence my asperity. even if i don't have all i want and today isn't the best day i could have dreamed up, there is no reason to turn rough around the edges and wear everyone else down. today i will silence any asperity that threatens to leak from me.

एलेमेंतल राव रेपुब्लिशेद or elemental raw: republished

2008-08-06T14:40:00.002-04:00

इ ऍम रेपुब्लिशिंग थिस एंट्री फ्रॉम वे बेक इन थे डे अस अ लिटिल इन्सिघ्त इन्तो माय थौघ्त process =) oops, im writing in hindi... what i was trying to say is this was a blog entry from awhile back which i am republishing as alittle insight into my thought process... enjoy!

standing on the edge of hiding, looking out into acknowledging, i am almost to where i want to be. they say that the first step to recovering is admitting and the words are balancing on the tip of my tongue. to be free is to have no shadows cast by my definition as i walk through life. nothing is everything when you aren't attached to cares and possesions. and this is where i hope to be one day. but for today i'll just be staring out the window of this place called comfort. someday... someday... i will walk out the door and never look back.

a dark reality

2008-08-06T09:44:00.008-04:00

having just watched The Dark Knight i am frought with thoughts about my spiritual realities.
first, though, i would like to welcome myself back to my blog after a departure of several months. its been awahile so im plunging right back into the writing game thanks to the encouragement of my good friend Pas Ken of discoverlifechurch.tv.
i have found myself intrigued by heath ledger's joker in a way that no other villian has intrigued me. the movie continually stressed the point that the joker was not a normal "bad guy" as his madness had no concrete explanation. even he (the joker) had but dead end alibis for his victims as to why he was doing what he was doing. his tag line "why so serious?" served only to bely the sheer maniacal force of his will to do whatever he wished without having a purpose.
this morning in the shower i had a thought experiment (just as albert einstein was prone to have - more of this in another blog entry) and i wondered if the joker's character is a glimpse into the mind of the devil. it is my job after all to question everything we think we know and read it through the glasses of skepticism.
have we as modern day christians attempted to ingrain reason into the devil's inconsiderate pandering into our lives? in the dark knight christian bale's bruce wayne struggles with confronting the truth that the joker is not a purposed man but a freak driven by some force unknown. i wonder if its time for us to do the same.
the opening scene sees the joker eliminate even his own henchmen whilst in the process of robbing a bank but leaving one man alive with fake grenade in his mouth who believes he is about to die also. this is the introduction we have to the mind of the joker. he makes a pencil "dissappear" and burns a mountain of money. did he carve those scars into his face or did his father? we'll never know. we watch as he leaves the power of life and death in the hands of a barge of prisoners and a boat of blue collar families. bruce wayne's batman is almost lured into the joker's black hole as he smashes him into the walls and windows of an interrogation room trying to knock reason or information out of the joker. the joker only laughs louder and louder as the blows fall harder. this, ladies and gentleman, is a mad man.
who is the devil then? is he some man who tempts and lures each one of us in the purity of reason and logic? i propose he is not.
he is after all an "... adversary... prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for ANYONE he can devour. " (1 peter 5:8 HCSB)
like the joker he'll toy with anyone's mind. anyone at all. look at the all the ceo's and wall street bigshots that are biting the dirt right now. then look at the druggie or prostitute you walk past today. there is no reason or ryhme to what he does. no one is special to him. like the joker in a very twisted way he is just having fun..."why so serious?". he'll put a smile on your face. this is a scary proposition. am i proposing satan is ludicriously insane? a mad man? a villian without a heart? yes.
issac newton discovered that for every action there is an opposed and equal reaction. satan is a fallen angel who once was heaven's worship leader. when he tried to oppose God, God threw him into hell and all the angels who cared to side with him. let's apply newton's law here. by opposing God he was thrown to hell- God (who by very nature is love) was opposed. the reaction? the making of the antagonist in the story of salvation. what is the opposite of God? the devil. the opposite of Love? chaos.
at the rising of gotham city's protagonist- the Batman- we see the joker arrive: ready to oppose him. why? for no other reason than to introduce chaos and to oppose the batman.
the devil, satan, is not in the same mind frame as our Glorious and Wonderful Creator. he is the opposing antagonist to our protagonist: Jesus. he is chaos and hate where God is Love and Purpose.
for too long, i believe, we have tried to make head and tail (and im not about to introduce two face here!) out of the devil and explain him. to try to make him a reasonable enemy and an annoying pest.
the truth is- satan doesnt care about you at all. he is trapped in his own world that he is king of and burning it to the ground- free of purpose and intent. he'll take anyone with him alive or dead and (as we see in C.S. Lewis' the Screwtape Letters) even run down his own accomplices.
the Bible says that we can overcome him by by the word of our testimony. why is this such an effective antidote to his poison? it reminds him of all the times he's failed at turning our life upside down.
there is a scene where batman and joker are in a struggle stories above a river in gotham city as joker eagerly awaits for one of two barges to explode. he -the joker- has left remotes on each barge to detonate the other barge and left it to the people on board to destroy the other barge to live. when the deadline to do so ends, we watch as complete disblief washes over his face when there is no explosion. the "little experiment" he was conducting ends with no one destroying either boat because he could not account for the compassion and conscience of the people on the boats.
i believe this is the reaction of the devil when we're saved. he knows and understands evil and deception; but when all of his experiments fail - he cannot understand it- because he cannot understand all that is his opposite.
to know our enemy we must understand that he is toying with us for his own enjoyment and satisfaction. when we confront his chaos with the truth of who we are in Jesus, we leave him in a confused daze.
sun tzu says this in his ubiquitous book "the art of war": "If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle."
in the dark knight batman almost loses his battle with the joker because he initially failed to understand his enemy. lets not make the same mistake.

deja nu

2005-07-25T21:43:00.000-04:00

everyday there is something new i uncover like a child turning over rocks in the backyard garden. amidst this i am still finding the remains of days past, remnants of each hour gone by. the beauty of life is the wonder and the mundane, the old-the new. its as if God is weaving new threads into worn tapestries... renewing each day even while some of yesterday finds it's place. -a random muse (picture by la)

best of...

2005-07-07T21:52:00.000-04:00

i'm listening to foo fighters "best of you". the question in the chorus is "is someone getting the best of you?" and this question has begun to haunt me. who is getting the best of me? it's such a simple question, yet how potent the answer must be! first, what is the best of me? in my opinion, the best is all i am that is good. the best of me is my time, my talents, my love, my passion, my faith, my trust, my person. if i was to answer this question at this very second, i would answer that many people are getting the almost best of me and God is suffering. see, God is the one who should get the best of me and only the best belongs to Him by right. in all honesty, i have yet to even give all my best to Him. i long for the day when i am found devoting my all to Him. yet, the very reason i hold onto Him is because i know that i am imperfect in this very sense. all i cannot do, all i lack, my imperfection finds completion when i give Him my heart and soul. the day i give God the truely best of me is the day my soul longs for.

perspective redux

2005-06-19T00:50:00.000-04:00

studying the eyes of those around me, i see so much. i see pain, sadness, disbelief, wonderment, disinterest in some; in other eyes i see joy, hope, love, sweetness and beauty. the stark or gentle glance of an eye will run the gamut of emotions, reflecting what is hidden in the heart. i may see someone smiling, yet if their eyes don't twinkle with the same happiness i am clued into the dischord between the truth and portrayal that lies inside. ask me how i'm doing and 90 percent of the time i'll say "good". nice little answer, right? look into my eyes. i may not be doing as well as "good " implies. am i actually looking at you? am i averting my gaze? is my lazy eye drifting? the clues are found in the little details you catch. details become everything when you are trying to develop perspective. perspective creates the opinons and views that you hold dear. and the opions and views you have, you will project in some fashion to the world at large. it's been said that the eyes are a window into the soul. how true is that saying?

subtle undertones

2005-06-15T12:38:00.000-04:00

its strange how my past haunts me the way it does. my past is like eating reese's pb cups filled with fish hooks . ahhh... the warm smooth chocolaty memories on the outside and the crap that gets you in the middle. memories have a way of luring you into their pretty little trap by reminding you of wonderful time gone by, then they snag you when you find yourself wishing to be back there in those times. you then suddenly find yourself stuck in the past and losing sight of the present and the future. the sad thing is that, i, myself would so much love to return to the days of childhood, simplicity, living with with my parents etc. when i can never return to any of that. they (who is "they" anyway?) say that you only have one life to live and it is true. God has designed living to be forward moving and constantly developing even as i try to thwart living by returning to past memories and situations. i'm not saying much here in this post, but the one thing i want to get across to you is forget the past and look forward. it's easy enough to look back and see all that's behind--- scary to look forward and see absolutely nothing of what is ahead of you. i know this first hand and my solution is to let go of what worries me and put my faith in the knowledge that God can see what lies ahead for me.

yes

2005-06-10T02:50:00.000-04:00

yes... those last two pictures are of yours truly...

2005-06-10T02:49:00.000-04:00

it was all yellow

half second thought

2005-06-10T01:54:00.000-04:00

today i discovered that honesty is the best policy. really... it is. you can take my word on it.

silent brilliance

2005-06-06T21:24:00.000-04:00

the clouds tonight were as lightning bugs trapped in bedsheets. sparks of monstrous power spun through gray masses of moisture and like strobe lights lit distant roofs and tree branches leaving etched black shadows in their absence. to the west i could see the storm hovering miles away and to the east, behind me, lay a clear sky covered in blinking stars. i was struck at the disparity of the sight. how in one direction sheer hell could break loose and in the other a beautiful calm could be found. with the lightning so far from me, i couldn't hear the percussive claps of thunder; yet from it's incredible display i understood it's power. a beautiful night...

apologetic exerpt

2005-06-03T23:33:00.000-04:00

i mourn the loss of conscience in today's modern world. there is nary a person found now who, if disturbed by guilt, will own up to being wrong I.E. when someone says something hurtful then tries to laugh it off or refuses to acknowledge what was said made impact.{ i am sometimes that person- so i am not being self-righteous here.} for me, though, if i do utter something hurtful 9 times from 10 i will recognize the inner spark of guilt and conscience; and ask forgiveness. what if we were to all do this 10 times out of 10? could doing this affect and effect the world around us? what if we would take responsibilty for our every action rather than sueing and blaming others for our mistakes? what if we were to apologize even if it fatally wounds our pride? i know i would love to keep my pride intact if i had the choice and the choice i do have! every day i fight to make the choice to own up to my mistakes... to ask God and man for forgiveness when i err.

a whisper of light

2005-06-02T23:57:00.000-04:00

one moment free from the past and in the next haunted by it all over again ...and this is how i feel. tonight is all too familiar to me, the night alone, waiting by the phone for a call back from a message left hours ago to an old friend who is most likely doing -something- which is more than i am doing right now. there is this empty feeling inside and truth be told, i should be above this. yet weakness still remains inside of me. once again i have done everything my way today... finding myself licking these self inflicted wounds and wondering what happened. pity is a dangerous dancing partner as tonight the music's playing and i'm like john travolta under the disco lights: ready to dance the night away. selfishness, pity, remorse, delicate memories and emptiness all tempt me in their seductive ways. i linger, listening to the confusing voices of my heart, mind and nature all yelling at the same time. if i could only, for even one second, just hear the whisper of God's gentle voice calling to me... everyone tells me it will be alright in the end and deep down somewhere i know that to be true. i still doubt it, though. heaven sounds too perfect and this world feels too real. must i remind myself that Jesus while altogether perfect lived in this reality too? the bible says that we have a "high priest who sympathizes with us" and how true . He understands all the struggles and demons i fight; all the wounds i find myself with and He is whispering His encouragement to me, even tonight when i want to toss my towel and give up this profession called life. in every moment of doubt, pity or selfishness i seek out His whisper of light. one glimmer of hope is easy to see in a sea of darkness...

warming air

2005-05-28T19:28:00.000-04:00

summer is running on my heels. already i am immersed in the nineties of a shadeless mid afternoon. i love the feeling of summer's freedom, but not the stifling heat. beaches wait for crowds by the thousand, and i wait for early morning- before anyone is up. the time of day when the air is cool, the newborn sun is warm and the breeze dances without purpose. when it is me, an deep blue seascape and a seagull who are the only ones around. winter has departed and spring has sown it's seeds... summer running on my heels has tripped me and i fall down laughing.

second, if first

2005-05-27T01:24:00.000-04:00

every time i am confronted by a question that requires a yes or no of me, i tend to create a maybe answer as backup in case the yes or no doesn't go over well. it's my little way of trying to be right even if i'm not. sometimes it works. othertimes it can be seen right through. i know i should be perfectly honest and say yes or no, but i fear becoming stuck inside of that answer. i create a reply that could go either way so the backdoor is open- i can run out it if the need be. this is inheirently a terrible thing. it keeps me from knowing exactly where i stand and it is an entirely dishonest way to represent myself to those around me. i challenge you to do what i am only now doing- lettting my yes be yes and my no be no. i am still caught by the urge to have that maybe answer on the tip of my tongue and it still slips into waiting ears. but, i want to, i need to be decisive and know where i stand with God, myself and those around me, so i am striving to make my yes mean simply yes and my no just plain no. when that day comes, i will be free of my complacency.

girl, thinking of a

2005-05-25T11:33:00.000-04:00

i have a girl on my mind and she will never fade from my memory. we went through alot together even though we lived miles apart. the intimacy of the friendship was stunning and unexplainable... she was one of the closest friends i have ever had. i haven't talked to her in awhile and that is a story that i will not tell, yet, needless to say i have learned and grown through knowing her. i made mistakes, yes... and i live with them; she was perfect in her imperfection and i imperfect alltogether. i keep the memories of her and her life in my mind and i watch as the world becomes her stage.

lost: one half of a year

2005-05-24T23:29:00.000-04:00

if found, please return to those who need it back! wow. where has 2005 gone? it seems like just yesterday i was reveling in the brilliance of the dawn of a new 12 months and now i find myself befuddled and quite unamused that there are only 6 months left! i had so much to do and alot of time to do it and now there is still so much left and so little time to do it in... yes, yes, i whine like a infant, i know. still, i need answers! i am very much mortal and human, aren't i? looking at the past and moaning about all that went wrong. worried of the future and procrastinating in the present. yes, this is me and i know it. it is truely time for a renewed mindset and a battle plan of sorts. i must regroup, organize and go on the offensive! but first i will go make myself an ice cream sundae before i go to bed...

event. 5.

2005-05-21T03:42:00.000-04:00

FBI, ATF address domestic terrorismOfficials: Extremists pose serious threat05/18/05 10:24 PM, EDTViolent animal rights extremists and eco-terrorists now pose one of the most serious terrorism threats to the nation, top federal law enforcement officials said Wednesday ---i just can't stop laughing at the irony of this =) wow. what a headline... "animal rights activist kills 14 in defense of an endangered white stork" what now? will they profile all the long haired hippie looking possibly tree hugging passengers along with all the middle eastern possibly afghani looking passengers? would they consider hemp a weapon of mass destruction? what about the animals? would we see birds and mongeese being pushed through metal detectors if the fish and game thought they might be siding with the animal rights people? etc...

i, hiker

2005-05-21T03:12:00.000-04:00

the mountains above me look so tempting... their sundrenched heights and crystalline edges, their thick blankets of green and birds that dwell in their updrafts. i stare from the cold muted gray of the valleys inbetween. it seems just yesterday i was standing on hills around and now i find me here in the lowlands i know all too well. the mountain ahead of me is still miles from me and i'm hiking towards it as i fight the temptation to collapse and give up. i've been walking this terrain for years now. one moment rejoicing in my conquest of a peak and drinking in the view and the next stumbling down into the shadowed trenches. in all this it is very easy to feel alone and without direction. but i know i am far from alone. why? because no matter where i find myself on this journey, God's still small voice is my compass. He guides me from valley to mountain and from mountain to valley. it may not seem like the best route or it may seem like i'm going the wrong direction- yet a good hiker learns to trust his compass and follow it. and so i listen and follow, for God knows where i must go and He sees the end of my journey and will willingly show me where it is... as long as i listen.

sleep insomniac, sleep

2005-05-14T02:39:00.000-04:00

it's 2:40 in the am of yesterday's tomorrow, er, today. i'm as awake if not more than i was at 9am yesterday morning. listening to itunes mixes,thinking about the stuff i'll do in a few hours. i don't have to go to work and i could use the sleep, but,what good is wasting the hours away with my eyes closed? when you are an independent, improvisational single guy with a computer you sometimes will find yourself typing your thoughts out at 2:40 in the morning; as i am right now. having my own blog and being able to broadcast my thoughts to at least one =) reader is cool if not downright sweet. am i still on the sugar high from those 2 cherry cokes i downed? wow. it sure doesn't take much now, does it? but, lo, i my bed calls to me. and my pillow does whisper enticingly. i must and will respond now. i loathe the hours i have lost. in vain! in vain! the clock does not wait for me, it does not wait. run on time! run on! oh, that i had but one second to be at peace...

moon muse

2005-05-13T22:38:00.000-04:00

i was watching apollo 13 (a favourite movie of mine) and there is this scene where jim lovell (played by tom hanks) is dreaming of walking on the moon that is so close but so far away. he sees him self jumping from the lunar extraction module (lem) and running his hands through the white powder of the moon's surface. then in his dream he sees himself look up and out and the earth hovers distantly slightly obscured in shadow and as he stares at it's quietly beautiful image- i'm wondering what is running through his mind. to be so far from home, standing on another object spinning in space and to see a panoramic view of the world before you... the purples blues and greens underneath whisps of white- i would just stare in awe of the sight. looking at the earth from afar... seeing it against the abyss of space. the wonders that God hath wrought. He stretched out the heavens. He calls each star by name. each star that blinks from its million miles away. to see from His perspective, like standing on the moon.

colour

2005-05-13T00:50:00.000-04:00

it's a comfort in an almost selfish way to know that not everyone is just like you. every day it grows even more comforting to know just that- that you and i are unique. how drab would life be if i related to you the exact same way you related to me? very drab. i'm guilty of "people watching", you know, sitting in a park or walking through the city, watching how different people act, look, talk etc. it's quite fun actually! why? cos it helps me to enjoy what's around me. if we were all the same it would be like staring at a gray wall. a gray wall holds no interest as it will always be the same tone and look no matter where you look. but since we are not all the same, we find ourselves part of a jackson pollack-esque wall: colour everywhere! no, i speak not of diversity or skin shade but of the soul and the heart. each heart feels each emotion differently. each soul cries out for the living God in it's own way. this is where the colour lies...

scenery

2005-05-12T02:08:00.000-04:00

it's so easy to drift into daydreams when engaged in conversation. easy to feign interest and act as if you are listening. yet, as a good friend pointed out- to do so is pure folly. to engage someone in meaningful conversation takes time, effort, a willingness to see their side of the world and an understanding that you may not always be right or need to say something. it's like watching a bird fly into a sunset. sure, the scene is a beautiful one but do you gain anything by just watching? not really... if you were to observe and study what you saw, your enjoyment of the sunset would be so much more. you'd find out that the colours you see are the sun's rays refracting off of water molecules in the sky and that the bird you see flying is a mocking bird who has the ability to replicate 100 different bird calls. so it is with conversing. you may nod and blink, but if you aren't listening, if you barely hint at understanding, you will miss out on details and things that will build your enjoyment of whoever you are talking with.

my favourite url

2005-05-11T00:36:00.000-04:00

this is the url i visit alot. take time to go to it and read what it says. it's psalms23_oldtestament_bible. it's my favourite!

dreamt of falling

2005-05-11T00:06:00.000-04:00

it's the gravity of my situation. i'm so far from where i need to be and i'm running uphill- getting nowhere. it's another test of my faith, my heart and my soul. and i'm afraid i'm in contension for failing. it's times like these where you learn to keep expectations from growing too big and a happy smile on your face when inside you feel like screaming until you can't breathe. it's times like these when you look for God and He quietly hides, letting you count to ten and frantically search for Him before He emerges and finds you. it's times like these that i find myself doing what i don't want to do and wondering what's wrong with me. it's time like these that hit me with surprising regularity. and it's times like these where i thank God for times like these, for the oppourtunity to let His strength be perfected in my weakness. to find myself lost then found by His mercy- i feel the shift of gravity from my situtation to His love.

event. 4.

2005-05-09T17:20:00.000-04:00

Your identity...for saleFrom credit bureaus to grocers to unscrupulous brokers, there's a healthy trade in your good name.05/09/05 15:12 PM, EDTNEW YORK (CNN/Money) - In the past four weeks alone, there have been reports of massive security breaches of over 2 million people's sensitive personal information ---cool, to save the hackers time here is my social security # 555 55 555 and my debit card # 55555 55 555555 555 and my credit card # 55555 555555 55 555. i live at 55 id ln, cheese, ws. my home phone is 555 555 5555. wouldn't want to put them out of a job; after all, they're having a hard enough time just trying to earn a living...

thank

2005-05-08T19:18:00.000-04:00

to k, l, t, and r- thanks for being like family to me. it means everything to me to have friends like you who care for a crazy guy like me. to the lady who thought we were all related- maybe we are! (just kidding!) ya'll rock now, ya hear? i look forward to what God has for you guys...

one sunday afternoon

2005-05-08T19:09:00.000-04:00

mother's day... i called mom and told her how much i missed her and sent her a gift. i owe her so much more- she homeschooled me for 18 years, fed me, washed my clothes, read the bible to me, gave me her love, all of her time and too much to list. how does one pay back all of that? i really dont think there is a way. all i know is that i will forever remember all the things she taught me and treasure them as i would gold or life. there is a picture of her that only my heart can see and i look at it and thank God for a mother like her. because of her, i am who i am. i love you mom!

elemental raw

2005-05-05T23:56:00.000-04:00

standing on the edge of hiding, looking out into acknowledging, i am almost to where i want to be. they say that the first step to recovering is admitting and the words are balancing on the tip of my tongue. to be free is to have no shadows cast by my definition as i walk through life. nothing is everything when you aren't attached to cares and possesions. and this is where i hope to be one day. but for today i'll just be staring out the window of this place called comfort. someday... someday... i will walk out the door and never look back.

close kin

2005-05-04T17:24:00.000-04:00

talking to my brother today... giving brotherly advice about girls and stuff. even though we live 1000 miles apart, our relationship grows stronger. being males and sharing a room were 2 important factors in our younger years. i owned the room and had the top bunk so naturally he fought back in sublime ways. interrupting phone conversations, kicking the bed, trying to be cool like my friends and myself. the competition ,while below radar, was still evident in the way we interacted. i was always trying to force my opinion down his throat 'cus i didnt want him to make the same mistakes i made, etc. then when i moved away, i began to see things in a different light. i realized that his closeness and his brothership were a very important part of my life, despite all the fights and crazy stuff, he was the brother God knew i needed. i will never take him for granted. each time we talk on the phone, i remind myself that he is my brother and even if we are now miles apart, there will always be a top bunk waiting for me.

evidence of things not seen

2005-05-04T17:23:00.000-04:00

i may not see the One i believe and that is all right. why? because traces of Him linger all around me. i watch a fiery sun melt into a deep purple night sky and heaven can almost be seen. a cool breeze floats over me on a summer's day and His breath lingers for a second. i hear the song of a meadowlark and His voice hides behind the notes. i smell the sweetness of a rose and His fragrance sweeps by. i taste the salt air of the ocean's mist and His overtones leave me longing for more.

substance of things hoped for

2005-05-03T23:29:00.000-04:00

the question comes up every so often- "why do i believe in God?". my detractors argue that my faith based belief is silly and child-like. my God says that my salvation is foolishness to those who are perishing and i must have faith like a child to enter His rest. my detractors tell me that Jesus was just a man in history. i say He is the Son of God who takes away the sin of the world. but why do i believe? the question still lingers like breath in tundra air. is it because of the Bible? maybe. is it because of what my parents told me? maybe. is it because of what my pastor tells me? maybe. all i know is that when i'm alone and my heart is broken from the millions of events of the day and i lift my eyes to the heaven i cannot see and whisper my tears to Him, i hear Him whisper back to my soul. and in that moment my detractors have no argument for i am communing with my Father in heaven and i find myself beyond belief. beyond my mind and my thoughts. beyond who i am and into His beauty.

event. 3.

2005-05-03T20:19:00.000-04:00

House, Senate agree on $82 billion war spending bill05/03/05 07:11 PM, EDTHouse and Senate conferees have agreed to an $82 billion supplemental spending bill for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. ---well, what do you know? maybe the dems do fall prey to peer pressure...

lost unknowns

2005-05-03T19:57:00.000-04:00

today, i was on lunch break at work and decided to wander off and take a walk. normally, you will never find me doing this but today was different; as i felt the urge to explore and free my mind from the drab gray of work. the way i usually walk has a little pond by the road and it's a nice little view. today, i walked the opposite direction and discovered a huge pond teeming with life and birds. it made me realize just how narrow minded i could be. for 5 months i had enjoyed the cute little pond right next to the road and thought the world of it. i never thought there might have been a place better- until today- when i broke out of my routine and ventured beyond my comfort. what i found was something 3 times as big and 100 times more beautiful. i may never know what i lose until i find it.

ode to my placebo

2005-05-03T16:44:00.000-04:00

caffeine is a lie... i drink it to stay awake and when i hit hang-over stage, i am more tired than if i just had a cup of grapefruit juice and called it a day. still i drink it. starbucks is my dealer down the street... i bring home a half pound of good stuff every few weeks. this is my ode, for i join caffeine drinkers anonomyous next week.

event. 2.

2005-05-03T13:12:00.000-04:00

Rice assures allies their security will be guarded 05/02/05 06:02 PM, EDTTalking tough, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice informed North Korea on Monday the United States is able to defend itself and its allies against nuclear and missile threats. ---either this is a scared, defensive statement or north korea forgot the 50's and the dmz... silly north korea, nukes are for superpowers!

social lite

2005-05-03T10:58:00.000-04:00

new! lo carb interaction! a revolution in avoiding deep, interesting and fattening conversations! try SOCIAL LITE!!!! a one month supply is only 39.99!!! this otc medication helps you keep your eyes from focusing, enables your hearing to diminish and reduces brain activity! (this is only for those people who wish to reduce their interaction with friends, relatives and co workers because of hidden fears, resentment or other physiological social inhibitors. ) why face reality when you have SOCIAL LITE!!!! call 1- 888-shut-up now to order your free sample!!!!

event.

2005-05-03T00:58:00.000-04:00

Card: Dems should work with us05/02/05 08:12 AM, EDTPresident Bush's chief of staff appealed on Sunday for congressional Democrats to work with the administration and Republicans rather than complain and stall action on Capitol Hill. ----oh, to dream perfect dreams...

cold benefits

2005-05-02T19:27:00.000-04:00

i sat at my desk today, waiting for the phone to ring or mr. kool aid to jump through the wall. it was a beach day- 82 with a light breeze and i was inside getting tanned by the halogen haze of ballast lights. i dont dislike work, i just never agreed with it. there is something about wasting 8 hours away doing something i am told is productive to earn a couple hundred legal tender notes to pay for what i am told are essentials for life- microwave food and rent. i am not complaining! believe you me i do rather enjoy food and a roof but i feel trapped in some unidentifiable viscious circle that is threatening to consume me. but on the bright side- the air conditioning was nice and cool today- i never sweated a bead... work is ok.

file.duh

2005-05-02T11:15:00.000-04:00

i hate computers. i say this as i write on a computer. oh, the irony. i hate dealing with files to be exact. i do alot of computer music production and it drives me mad when i have to deal with the various files associated with music. -i.e.- to upload music to my electronic press kit i make a song in acid pro 4. the song is saved as a .acd file. i found another sample i want to add to the song- but! that sample is not the .wav file i need but a .zip file. grabbing an iced tea, i settle down to try to convert from the zip file to a wav file using winzip. once converted, i finish the song. to audition the song, i burn a .wav copy playable on my cd player. now i want to upload the song to acidplanet.com... the program converts my song to some unknown file format while i wait and twiddle my thumbs wondering if a bag of popcorn might be in order. ok, the song is now on the site. my press kit awaits! oh, it'll only take mp3 files... back in to the program and i run a conversion to mp3 format and eat that bag of popcorn. what if there was only one file format involved in this process? i would have an extra 1/2 hour on my hands. i have cried my river, built my bridge and now i will cross it. i'll be okay. my pitty little complaints...

subtle encounters

2005-05-01T21:12:00.000-04:00

taking a walk on the beach... simple yet, in a way, wonderful. it's the pick up line for personals and a proverbial scene for the proverbial movie. still, for me, a walk on the beach is like finding a drop of water in a sweltering desert- beautiful. it's the one time i can clear my head and stare into forever and talk to God. from the patterns in broken shells to the wandering flight of seagulls, the ocean and its walls of sand offer me a shelter from the noise of cars and the block shapes of houses. every time i stand on a morning shoreline and gaze at the warming sun. i am at odds with my millions of thoughts. my head clears. my eyes take in the expanse. my ears the rushing of wind and wave. my heart sings.

who i were

2005-05-01T19:37:00.000-04:00

day after day i wake up. is this natural? day after day i fight sleep and take a shower. is it worth it? day after day i get dressed and make for my job. is this what i should be doing? month after month i pay rent and electrical. is it alot of money? year after year i fade older. is this stoppable? the human mind while easily manipulated and controlled by a seeming endless number of variables, influences and factors still has the guts to question everything it enables the human being to do. just once is it possible to answer one of it's questions and possibly break free from the monotony of the everyday? if you believe so, this blog is for you. -voxpre